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Friday, October 5, 2012

Loving Without Being Loved Back

It is amazing to me how God is so preparing my heart for the adoption of our little guy.

This summer brought on challenges and opportunities we weren't expecting - one of which was having a girl we have known for several years come live with us.

Having her in our home brought on so many lessons that will absolutely apply to our adoption - so many so that I sometimes wonder if Little Guy will get here sooner than we are anticipating.  That, and we know a lot of people who are praying for that very thing.

God gave me a heart for this girl, who lived with us, in January when her mother passed away suddenly.  You hear of adoptive families saying they knew their child was theirs as soon as they laid eyes on them.  I obviously did not have that experience with this girl because she had a mother, a woman I greatly enjoyed being with. 

After this girl's mom passed away I felt like God have me a mother's heart for her.  I've never experienced anything like that and it was a lot of what led me to believe that we could actually adopt.  I just couldn't imagine before that how I could love any other child as I do the ones I bore.

But, nothing happened at that point.  A different person became her guardian, leading me to wonder what in the world that was all about.  We learned of a housing need of hers while over the summer and at the beginning of August she came to stay with us.

The joys and challenges of having someone live with you started almost immediately and we're still working through the bonding of that and wondering what the future will hold.

It is such an awkward time to enter someone's life in a quasi authoritarian role.  We don't have the background with her to ask her to do something and have her understand our motives or even our dynamics and how things just simply work in our home.  And although God gave me a mother's heart for her, He didn't necessarily give her a "daughter's heart" for us.

What do you do with that?

I keep struggling with my role in her life and I feel like I keep being asked, "How much do I love you?"

How much does HE love me?  When I don't feel like loving Him back.  When I don't like the rules He puts in my life.  When I doubt that He even loves me. 

He LOVES me no matter what.

And I am supposed to do the same.  I am supposed to love others, to love her, no matter what their response is to me, no matter what role I have in their lives, no matter what the future holds.  Just keep loving.

So, as much as I want things to be black and white, and as much as I want to be loved in return, this is one of those situations where I just can't expect that.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me.  Help me to love like You do.

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." – 1 John 4:9-11

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Eb and Flow

You know, last year, when I prayed for life to be uncomfortable - for the sake of Christ - I didn't know what that meant.

I didn't know that would mean seeing a mother die before her children were ready to have her go.

I didn't know that would mean my heart breaking for those children and welcoming one of them into our home.

I didn't know how confused I would feel in that role.  How my black and white world would became so very gray.

I think I'm messing it up.  I don't want to.  I want to do so well here.  I want to provide security and stability for this girl.  I want her to know that I love her with no strings attached.

But, my issues are so in the way, particularly the issue of wanting so desperately to understand where I stand and how long I'm going to stand there.  I have forgotten that while Jesus loves me, so dearly loves me, so much more than I love and adore any of my children, biological or no, He does it knowing that I will eb and flow away from Him.  That sometimes the very security He provides will make me want to rebel.

Oh, how I love Him for standing beside me.  When I'm messing everything up, He's there.  When I'm the last example of Christ that anyone would look toward, He is there.

I pray that He will work in this area of my life beyond where I can work at all - that if I could say all the right words and have all the right expectations and set all the right boundaries, that His love and His work would still surpass mine.  That I will stand firm despite the eb and flow that are supposed to occur here because I am following His example of love.

Thank You, Jesus.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Faith On a Different Plane

I love the new song by Plumb, "Need You Now".

I heard, or thought, or something of the reflecting and remembering the times when God has been there for me.  Landmarks in my faith, so to speak.

The last year has brought on a different level of faith for me - one that I hadn't experienced before and one that I am so grateful for.  My faith feels real.  I have longed for that for a long time.

This summer was very emotional for our family.  Thankfully, at the moment, we seem to be in a period of rest.  And I was thinking as I listened to Plumb's song, of how now would be a good time to remember God's goodness in my life.

Take a listen here.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Giving Him Glory

Our prayers, YOUR prayers were answered!

A couple of weeks ago I told you I didn't think our dossier would make it into IBESR (Haiti's child welfare agency) before the September 15 deadline.

We've been asking God to let it happen.  Despite the fact that there is no reason whatsoever that He should show any favor toward us.  Despite the fact that it seemed impossible.  Despite my very own fear that He wouldn't answer our prayers and I wouldn't know how to process it, I asked.  Our children asked.  And we reached out to you and asked you to ask Him on our behalf.

2 weeks ago our dossier left our agency in Colorado.  They told us it would take a week or two to get to Haiti.  4 days later, over Labor Day weekend, our dossier made it to our orphanage in Haiti.  Then it had to go through first legalization - a process that takes two to four weeks.  Done in one week.  From the time our dossier made it to Haiti until the time it got into IBESR, only 10 days elapsed.  Friends, that is a miracle!

On September 14, one singular day before the scheduled close, our dossier made it into IBESR.

There is so much that is hard about adoption, no matter which adoption path you choose.  There's grief and waiting and heartache.  It just goes with the territory.  And when something joyful happens - something that encourages your heart to know that HE sees and works in our lives, we can't do anything but rejoice.

I said if we made it in to IBESR before the cut off that I would give God the glory because there would truly be no other explanation.  And that is what I'm here to do tonight.

Thank You, God, for getting us through to this next step.  And thank you, friends, for standing beside us.  We know you are supporting us and we can't wait to share with Little Guy just how you stood beside us through this process - how you advocated for him to the only One who really has any control over this process at all.

To Him be the glory tonight.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Maybe....

Last week I shared with you that I didn't think we were going to make the September 15 deadline when Haiti again stops taking dossiers.

Now it looks like that may not be exactly true.

Our dossier is there already.  It was shipped on Friday - and it got to our orphanage yesterday.    Man, this process makes me cry a lot!  Today, the tears are happy and hopeful.  That's a good thing!

Now our dossier goes through first legalization in Haiti, which should take a week or two.  Once it comes out and Little Guy's dossier is finished they become one and go into IBESR.  That's where we need to get before September 15.

It still seems next to impossible, but we're praying anyway.  We have no idea how much of Little Guy's dossier has been finished or when it will be done.  Please pray with us!!

Why is this a prayer request for us?


  • The sooner our file gets into IBESR, the sooner Little Guy gets to come home.
  • It will save us $200, which would be awesome!
  • We will still be able to work with our agency and orphanage, no matter what the new laws and changes are.
  • We won't have to wait to see if IBESR opens back up on October 1.  Last time they closed on April 24 and were reset to open on June 1, which became August 14.
  • It would just be a huge relief for us.


Thank you for being with us through this process, friends!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Not Going To Make It

A few months ago I told you about all the changes happening in Haiti in regard to adoption.  And how it seemed like we were on a deadline.

Well, IBESR did open back up on August 15.  At the time they opened they said they would be open for 1 month and then close again.  September 15 became our new deadline.

It seemed possible that we could make that deadline.  Little Guy's dossier was almost done.  Ours just had to go to the consulate and be mailed to Haiti for first legalization, whatever that is.

It's been 2 weeks and our dossier hasn't reached Haiti yet, which means we aren't going to make it.  What does that mean?  There are a lot of potentials, but we don't really know yet.

The government of Haiti says they will close on September 15 and re-open on October 1, implementing new laws.  Supposedly they are only going to work with certain agencies, raise their fees and change some of the laws about the adoption process, including only allowing adoption of children over the age of 1 and not allowing the birth and adoptive parents to interact with one another.  But we have to wait and see.  Please pray with us as we wait.  Waiting for something like this is so hard.

Our prayer requests.....
  1. For Little Guy to be safe and healthy.
  2. For our dossier to get to Haiti quickly and safely.
  3. For Haiti to accept our agency on it's list of agencies to work with.
  4. For our dossier to get into IBESR quickly.

That's a pretty good start.  :) Thank you, friends.



Wednesday, August 29, 2012

He Was There

Remember how I said that I couldn't pray for a little boy to get to one of the orphanages so we could adopt him?

And remember how it was going to be another 2-10 months, minimum, before we would receive our referral?

That was all wrong.

:)

Our little boy was there the entire time.

Little Boy (what we're going to call him here) was there all the time.

A lot of changes have been happening in Haiti and after the last "announcement" of changes we received a phone call from our agency on a Tuesday.  Never happened before.  We haven't gotten a phone call from them yet and the person we've been working with doesn't work on Tuesdays.

So when I got a phone call saying, "Karyn, call me back.  I need you to call me back today" on a TUESDAY, I was sure it was over for us.

Instead what I heard was, "I think we have a little boy for you."

Husband and I listened on speakerphone as we learned about 1 minute of information about a little guy who one day could become our son.  And we received a handful of pictures.

That's the information you receive when you get your referral, or child match.  And you need to decide.

This decision felt easy for us.  A couple of months ago we were told about 2 little guys that had significant medical needs and a set of siblings.  We prayed and thought and cried and prayed some more, but there just wasn't any peace with any of those children, as horrible as that sounds, and as horrible as it is even for me to type.

We didn't feel like God had called us to any of those children. 

But, we feel He's calling us to this one.

This could still fall apart for many different reasons.  Some of those reasons I know right now.  Some of them I'll learn in the future.  Some I may never know.  It's scary.

But, I have to trust that God did indeed give us the right referral at the right time and I'm going to trust that He will get us through if it doesn't work out, for any reason.

Right now we are joyful.  We have a picture to look at and a name to pray for and an orphanage to focus on.  We have specific prayers we can pray for his health and safety, that will apply whether or not he ever gets here.  We have someone to look forward to meeting.  And that is wonderful.

"He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are His children.’" (Acts 17).

Beyond Dimly

It's funny.  I haven't written in almost two months, but when I opened this blog up, the last post I wrote about was seeing things dimly.  I'm still feeling that way, although now I can see back, even dimly, to the potential purpose of what was behind this summer.

This has  been one of the hardest times in our marriage - this summer.  It has seemed like every single issue we have had for the past 11 years has come right to the forefront.  Not because we were looking for it or because those same issues came up again, but it sincerely felt like God was dragging them up out of no where, handing them to us and saying, "Here.  Work on this.  I want it gone."

What has bothered me about all of this is the why.  Why is this coming up now?  Why do we have to hurt over this again?  Why can't we just be happy right now?  I thought things were okay.

But, God needed Husband and I to get to a place we weren't prepared for and He did that by weeding out that which would have only entangled us in the last few weeks.

I'm grateful for that, but I'm not exactly excited to go through it again.  Because I know it will happen again.  There is always something that needs weeded out of my life.  I truly see my sin always before me lately and I have a feeling that isn't going to stop - mostly because I keep asking Him to help me know what He wants in my life.  And I think He'll keep answering.

I feel as though your prayers in our lives are so needed right now.  I feel vulnerable to what might come next and scared that I won't be able to handle it.

At the same time, I'm thankful to know that He is there.  He is present and He gives me what I need exactly when I need it.  I know He is faithful, even when I doubt Him, even when things are hard.  And I'm grateful.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Oh, So Dimly

Source
Prayer is hard for me lately.

Why ask a God I'm unsure of for things that I want when I don't know how He'll answer.  Perhaps He'll say no, or worse, seemingly take away that which I want, thereby clouding my view of Him as a loving, compassionate God even more.  I'm not talking about houses and cars.  I'm talking about something as "simple" as understanding His will.

Why ask an ever present, all holy God about things that I can't begin to understand or fathom.

God is confusing to me.  I don't feel at all certain about how He feels about me because my experience of His love for me has always been contingent on my experience of His response, or lack thereof, to my prayers, instead of what the Bible says - what He says - is true.

I don't usually take comfort in the cloudy view I have of God.  It's faded, distant and inaccurate.

And that's how I see Him in prayer.

The God I "see" is not ever going to be an accurate representation of what He's doing or who He is in my life.

I see orphans in Haiti and I wonder how God can watch them be abandoned and suffer.  I see trafficking happen to 14 year old girls and I cringe at the thought that God isn't obviously stepping in.  I see parents leaving behind children much too early, illness ravage children's bodies, parents lose children before they even got to know who they were.

And God becomes cloudier still.

But there is some comfort in knowing that I'm seeing things through a cloudy perspective.  I know I am not seeing Him clearly and the perceptions I have of Him are not accurate either.  They are at least as cloudy.

So like loving someone despite the feelings that do or don't exist, simply because you're committed to them, even if I don't feel safe trusting in Him today, I decide to do it anyway.

Because someday it will be clear.  It will be as clear has He sees me even now.  He sees me oh so clearly.  He knows my heart.  He knows what I need.  He knows what you need.  He SEES us.  And He's got us in His hands.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."  1 Corinthians 13:12

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

An Honest Post

When we first started the dossier process a friend of mine told me to be ready for surprises.

What?  The dossier part is supposed to be very straight forward and simple.  You have to wait on things, but we had a beautiful list to check off as things happened.

I kept myself organized with a binder and notecard system, checking things off and arranging note cards based on what had happened and needed to happen.

Thing that needed to happen - date applied for that thing - when it was mailed, notarized and complete.  Straight forward right?

Yep.

Until we had our water checked and had to shock our well.  What??

And until our clearances were lost between issue and notarization.

And when our fingerprints were lost in the mail.

And when I drove the wrong thing 10 hours to be certified, just to have to go back the following week to do it again.

Surprises.

But, a surprise I didn't expect was the spiritual attack we would experience through the process.

Every time something significant was to happen with our dossier something would come up in our home to throw a major wrench in things.  That was very unexpected.

Every little thing that has ever been an issue in the last 11 years of our marriage has reared its ugly head in the last few months.  That has been the hardest part.  Just when Husband and I should be working together it felt like we were being torn apart.  That was very unexpected.

When you look at adoption timelines, people kind of breeze past the dossier part.  That could be completely legitimate.  I've heard pretty much all bad things about the next part of this process - the endless waiting.  But this has been challenging in its own right.

I didn't expect to relive my past, but autobiographies and home studies will do that to you - and put it on paper.  As much as I've/we've done to work through all the things that have needed worked on, when it comes up again, it's still difficult to experience and it almost feels like you're going through those parts of life again that you wish you could forget. 

I'm grateful though.  Grateful that its out of our hands at the time being.  I know my desire for control is only going to want to have it back in my hands in the next few months, but for now I'm thankful to be able to think about ANYTHING other than the dossier and what I need to be doing with it.  I'm grateful for that sense of relief.

Confusing Prayers

Our part is done!!!!  (We hope! :))

Our completed dossier has reached our agency and hopefully our application has reached immigration for our government.

We will learn in the next 9-11 business days if our dossier is indeed complete and right.  I sure hope it is!

What's next?

We wait for our referral, or the match of our child with us.  At some point we will receive a file of a child in one of the orphanages our agency works with and we'll be able to review it and make a decision.

It's been 3 months since we started the process and a little boy 2 and under has yet to reach either of the orpahanges.

What is confusing is what to do about that.

How do you pray for a little boy to arrive to an orphanage to be adopted out of his home country?

I can't do it.

Instead I've been praying for the right referral at the right time.  That if there is a child who NEEDS to be adopted out, that he will find his way to one of the orphanages somehow.

Thank you for joining us in prayer right now!  We'll keep you posted as to how things are going on our side as well as how things are looking in Haiti as more information becomes available.

Love,
Karyn

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

It Happened Again Today.....And IBESR Update

It happened again.

Something beyond coincidence.

I shared with you the story of our police clearances and psychiatric evaluation yesterday.  Here are a couple things about yesterday that I didn't mention.

We started sending in our clearances and such the end of April.  A couple of them hadn't reached us yet and I couldn't understand why.  The day before our home study, I called to find out what was happening and it turned out our clearances were lost between approval and notarization.  The man on the other end of the phone promised me he would send them out by last Friday or yesterday.

In the meantime I had applied for my passport and that hadn't come yet.  Last week I received a letter saying my name was incorrect and I needed to have my license changed to reflect my name.  What had taken weeks for me to accomplish when I needed to change my address on my license took less than an hour for the name change because it turns out you can go to the DMV and have it done while you wait!  Husband sent it in that evening.  I figured it would have gotten there sometime in the course of the next week.

Yesterday everything that was left arrived.  And our mail came early.

Which is what prompted me to call our agency and find out if anything had changed in Haiti, which is when I started learning that MANY things were changing in Haiti.

Last night I started going through everything to make sure it was ready when the time came.  I remembered that the notary wasn't quite right on my physical exam form.  My physician personally had the form notarized in his free time with a lawyer's office (I thought) in the same plaza as his office.  I called my doctor's office today to find out for sure though.  They wouldn't let me leave a message for my doctor and said they couldn't help me.  So, I drove down there.  Lawyer's office was closed.

I marched all three kids into the next office building to find out where Edgar Snyder went!  "Oh, they moved about a month ago.  Why?"  I explained the situation.  Well, that particular person told me she had just received an email from a friend of hers that morning who had adopted and said how wonderful adoption.  Then she told me she'd pray for me.  I'll take it!  She told me where they had moved.  I called.  "Nope.  Never heard of the guy."

I googled the notary's name, looked in the phone book, looked in the directory of notaries.  Couldn't find the guy anywhere.  Out of frustration, I finally called the doctor's office again and got a different person.  10 minutes later, they were able to tell me that the notary was at a bank across town.  Across town!!  So, I called the bank to see if he was in before I drug the kids there.  Here is what the woman said to me.....

"Well, its a good thing you called today because he is here for a half day tomorrow and then he's retiring."

WHAT??????  I caught the guy with less than a day's work left.  Can you believe that?

Act of God?  That's what I'm calling it!

I needed that today.

So, update.....

The Senate did ratify yesterday.  I'm not sure what that means yet.  We haven't heard anything from our agency today.  From what it sounds like there is a window of about 3 months.  For us, about 7 months of work has to happen in that three month window, so I'm continuing to ask for your prayers in this - that His will would be done and we would walk in it.  Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us.

Love,
Karyn

Prayer

Have I told you about Barb?

A few years ago my husband decided he wanted to talk to a financial planner to make sure we were doing what we needed to in order to prepare well for retirement and college for the kids. I thought it was ridiculous at the time. Not because I didn't respect his ideas, but because that seemed like too far in the future to be planning for already.

We started working with John and his wife, Barb, to develop a reasonable budget for our very long term plans. Adoption was no where near our radar at the time.

When we went to get our taxes done this year we were applying to our agency at the same time. We had to have our application notarized, so we asked if anyone in the office was able to do that. Barb, John's wife, happily notarized our application. She was so sweet - asked us great questions and was so excited for us to begin the process.

When we received the list of items we were going to need for our dossier, we saw that everything and its mother needed to be notarized. Husband called Barb to see if we could hire her to be our official adoption notary. "Hire?", she asked? "Oh no, I'll do it for free. Just consider it part of our ministry. We're so excited for you." Tremendous blessing.

We're meeting with Barb tomorrow to have the last of our documents notarized. When I called to schedule with her today I told her it would be the last time we'd be visiting for this project. She said, "When will you get to meet your child?". I explained to her what is happening in Haiti right now and told her that if this all works out, from Haiti, it will be.......and started crying. She finished for me.

"An act of God." Yes.

She said, "Can I pray for you now?" So,she prayed.

It is amazing blessings like that that will keep encouraging our hearts to keep moving forward,even though it looks impossible. I do believe, that if this works out, it will only be because God allowed to. Thank you, all, for the prayers you have lifted up for us in the last day. We are so grateful and it makes a huge difference.

Love,
Karyn

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Fears and Blessings of Adoption

A couple of weeks after we mailed our application and first fee to our adoption agency Haiti stopped accepting dossiers until June 1.  That changed to July 20 in a week.  Today I heard that August 1 is the new date.

I hadn't heard that from our agency, so I started researching what was happening with IBESR and learned that the Senate in Haiti may ratify the Hague Convention Agreement today.  For the children of Haiti, that is good and bad. It's good because that means the adoption process will be ethical and safe when all the policies are in place.  It's bad because ratification usually results in stopping adoptions altogether until the country is in complete agreement with the Hague Convention standards.  It took the United States 15 years to accomplish that.

Obviously my heart is wondering if that means that our fears clear back in April are going to come true after all.

Our agency told us to go ahead and compile our dossier, which we have done.  When I called today to ask if we should stop they said to keep going.

We have 2 steps left.

Our first home study visit happened last week.  Our last home study visit will be in a week.  We are less than 24 hours from having all the papers we need to have completed done - and notarized.  All we have left is to get the home study report and have all of our notarized documents certified.  We're still about 6 weeks away from being finished, but we're close.

So, here's the potential timeline.....

Our goal is to have our dossier mailed to our agency by mid-July (1 month).  It will take 1-3 months to receive a referral, at least and then 1-3 months to have our child's file completed.  At that time our files will join to one big file and enter IBESR.  We're  about 3-7 months away from being in what you might call the "safe zone".  Usually, once countries ratify the Hague, dossiers already in process are grandfathered in and moved through.  So our goal was to get into IBESR prior to the ratification process.

If the Senate does indeed ratify today, it will be 1-3 months (potentially) before adoptions will cease.

Here's what I don't get.......

We've had so many confirmations, both good and bad, about adopting.

Here's the biggest one yet.

Adoption is flipping expensive.

We are supposed to have a psychiatrist evaluation completed for our dossier.  If we couldn't find a psychiatrist for whatever reason, it was okay to have a psychologist complete the evaluation instead.  When we talked to a friend of ours, who is a psychologist, he basically said, "Good luck.  Everyone is booked up for months.  If you can find someone to do it, just get it done."  So, I started making calls.

One psychiatrist told us it would cost us $300 for the evaluation and $400 for the letter.  Another told us $300 for both.  When we asked our friend who was "better", we were told that the second was a better psychiatrist, so to go with him.   We scheduled.

The evaluation was scheduled to happen a couple of weeks ago.  I was a nervous wreck about it because there are things about my life that are not pleasant to talk about and I was afraid of how those things would be looked at.

A friend of ours offered to watch Little Miss - for free - in the middle of the day - while we went to the evaluation.

We could NOT find a parking space and being good debit card customers, we didn't have any cash on us at all for meters, so we resigned ourselves to just have to pay for a parking ticket.  As we walked to the office, we found  a parking lot right next to the office building where we could park for free - for as long as we needed to.

The psychiatrist was the nicest guy.  He was very normal!  :)  He asked pertinent and interesting questions about why we wanted to adopt - and why from Haiti.  He found out all the crap I wasn't excited to share at all and was very empathetic and supportive.  We spent about an hour with him.

He had asked how we wanted to pay when we first went in and we had said we wanted to just pay outright - that there was no medical need for the evaluation and that our insurance really had no need to pay for the evaluation because we were asking for the evaluation for solely personal purposes.

He finished the evaluation and completed the letter right in front of us.

When we went to leave we stopped at the desk to pay and he walked passed us and said, "No.  There's no charge.  Just.....good luck."  Husband's jaw dropped, as did mine.  We just stood there looking at him - in disbelief.  We argued with him and offered to pay, again.  We took up his time and valued that and wanted him to know.  He wouldn't accept.

We got in the car, stunned.  This man had just saved us hundreds of dollars.

Here's another one.

A couple of weeks before that we needed to get police clearances from our county.  When I called, I spoke to a woman who took down all the information we needed for our letters.  I asked her when she thought she might be finished with the letters, she said, "a couple of hours?"  I called the woman who has offered to notarize all our documents to see if she could meet me there and she said, "How about 1:00?"  Seriously?  From the time I called until the time it was finished was a mere 4 hours.  While Little Miss was in school.

It seems like within the last week, all the things we have been waiting on were finally getting to us.  And all at the same time.  It felt like things were coming together.

And then our news today.

I'm not sure what to think.  If you think of us, please keep those prayers coming and we'll keep you posted.

Love,
Karyn

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

On My Heart

I read somewhere that if your heart is aching during a particular time prior to receiving your referral, you should pay attention and pray even more.

A friend asked me last week how I was feeling about our adoption process.  I told her I felt like I was "playing adoption" because it just didn't feel like it was real or ever going to happen.  I don't know what happened, but just a couple of days later, our little boy started being heavy on my heart.  I'm thinking of him a lot.

I read a story about how a woman was just aching one particular week as they were waiting for their referral.  Months later they found out that was the very week their future child was taken into the orphanage.

I don't know if there is anything specific happening in our child's life right now, but I'm going to pray harder this week.  This could be nothing, but it could be something.  We'll see.

In other news, we're still moving forward.  We have our first home study visit scheduled!!  And Justin's birth certificate finally arrived!  We think that within a couple of weeks we'll have our part completely done and will just need to wait on the home study to be finished, which will be a huge mile marker for us.  So, we're working and praying.

Thank you, friends, for praying with us.

Love,
Karyn

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Where Did Jesus' Money Go?

This post has been a long time in coming.

Jesus had a fund that was up to almost $250 from little things I was cutting out of my regular spending.  And now it's down to close to $6.50.  I'm sure you're wondering if I'm embezzling from Jesus.

Not so, my friends.  Jesus had His first disbursements!

My heart just aches for children with no parents, and for the tremendous cost required to adopt.  I truly believe that Jesus can step in and make it happen for people starting out with no savings to adopt and ending with their entire adoption fully funded.  Through DFC, I've been privileged to meet many people who that is a reality for.  But, I also believe Jesus works through us and He's not going to come down here and start putting money in people's bank accounts to fund their adoptions.  He's going to ask you and me to do it. 

It bothered me that the Jesus fund was accumulating and not going anywhere but my bank account, so I started to pray about where it should go.  And then I learned about this family adopting from Haiti.  I sat at my computer and CRIED as I watched the beautiful video done by their daughter.  And, there was my first answer to the Jesus fund.  Another Haiti family did the same thing to me, so the Jesus fund shrunk a little more.  And then I learned about Second Mile Ministries and they got all the rest. 

I think all of my passions are rolled up into one through this organization.  Second Mile Haiti works in Haiti (can you believe it???).  Here's their mission.....

"Our mission is to provide for the physical needs of sick and malnourished children while empowering their mothers through health education and small business opportunities."

I am ALL over that, baby!  Dignified livelihood.  Children staying with their parents.  Small business opportunities.  Sustainable medical care.  Helping children.  HAITI!!  Yep!  

I can't tell you how sick it makes me to think of a parent relinquishing their children because they can not support them.  Just makes me sick.  As a future adopting parent, I have a responsibility to do something about that and Second Mile Haiti just seemed like the perfect fit.

So, there's my accountability for the day.  :)  So much better than any muffin I'd have eaten at Tim Horton's.  Or donut, or panini, or XL hot tea with sugar........

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Prayers for Our Child

When we first started considering adoption, I thought of it in happy terms.

"There is a baby who needs a family.  We want a baby."  Happy.

But there's another side of this that I hadn't considered until I started reading 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Parents Knew.

The side of grief.

The child that we will adopt has been abandoned.  Abandoned through death or poverty.  He isn't about to go to an orphanage or in an orphanage right now for happy reasons.  He is there because he has been given up because his parents couldn't afford to feed him or his parents have died.  His parents could be doing the most loving and most brave thing in the world for him by placing him in an orphanage to be adopted to the United States, but it won't be happy or easy.

If my husband and I passed away right now, our children would technically be abandoned.  But, we already know that they would go to a couple we love dearly who would take such good care of and love them.

But it wouldn't be happy for a while.

So, if you're praying for this child, as we are, please pray with us that he will know our Savior's love, when he is taken to the orphanage and as he is waiting for us, and that he will be able to embrace our love when the time comes.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Mother's Love

For almost 2 weeks I've been watching "Mamma Bird" (not pictured) take care of her egg.

Just a couple of weeks ago I started wondering what in the world our cat was so curious about that she had to be staring out my window at promptly 7am every morning.  So, one morning I looked out and there was a nest in the gutter right outside my window.

How long at that been there?  Was there anything in it?

Just two days later Husband told me that there was a blue egg sitting softly inside the perfectly manicured nest.

Tucked in, under the roof above, the nest fit perfectly in the little space allotted by the gutter.  Something without opposable thumbs or digits of any kind, build the nest out of nothing more than twigs.  Amazing.

The next night I saw her for the first time - Mamma Bird.  I checked on her every morning when I woke up and every night when I went to bed.  And every time I checked she was there.  If she wasn't there, she was gone no more than a couple of minutes and she didn't go very far.  One morning I was able to take the snapshot of the nest without her being around, but I only had that opportunity one time in all the times I checked.

She'd get up to eat and stretch her legs a little and then she'd stand on the roof, look at the nest and hop down and settle in for a little more incubating.

The prepared nest, just under another roof to keep to hidden from predators, the brief moments she stole away only for self sustenance and tolerance of the elements around her no matter what - 30 degrees, 80 degrees, pouring down rain and thunderstorms, sunshine, all revealed a level of self sacrifice that could only be given by the Creator Himself.

I know I'm putting human emotion on all of this.  It frustrates Husband when I do that because you definitely can't hunt or support hunting very much when you're on the side of the creature.  But, I'm a female and a sensitive one at that, and I watched all the Disney movies just like you did that put human emotions on animals all the time.  I found myself remembering things that have happened in my children's lives so far that made me feel like I could relate to her.  Nursing for what felt like the millionth time that day, not wanting to give up a night with friends because of needing to be home with a child, but doing it anyway, being willing to take on anything for my children.  It made reflect on all those things, and more.

I told Mr. Man when we checked on her together one day,  "That's how much I love you.  I'd sit through anything to protect you and be there for you no matter what - just like that bird."  It's been a beautiful reminder of the self sacrifice a mother has for her child.

I'm so grateful for the instinct God put in that bird - a BIRD - and for the love and nurturing He has instilled in so many women around me.  It is a beautiful.  I'm grateful that His compassionate, nurturing and protective nature has been placed in moms and that He feels those things toward us, His children, and so much more faithfully.

For all you moms (and to-be moms) out there, thank you for the way you protect and love your children - facing the elements for them.  Whether it be through pregnancy and delivery or paperwork, referrals, waiting and travel, it is a beautiful thing.  You are a beautiful reflection of Him.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It's The Little Things

Mr. Man writes in his questionnaire, "What I like about my family is that they love me."

When Little Miss takes her dance classes, she ALWAYS looks for me in the little windows as she dances past.

Girly Girl drew a picture and in the blank beside "soft things", she put "My Mom". 

This is what I want our little boy we haven't even met yet to experience.  To know he's in a safe place, loved, protected and knowing that someone is always watching out for him.

We hope to learn more about where we stand in terms of adopting from Haiti tomorrow.  I'm ready.

Where Did My Strength Go?

You would think that after going through something really tough, that the resulting strength would carry you on to the next level.

I wish that was the case for me.

We found out last week Haiti is now not accepting new dossiers to until July 20.  That changed from June 1 just a week ago.  What's it going to be next week?

On our end, almost everything is done for our home study.  We've requested nearly every clearance known to man.  We've relived our past in the forms of autobiographies, statements and references.  I even had the experience of calling the first place I rented an apartment looking for one of my previous addresses.  I'm good with that.

But now we wait for other people to do their jobs.  For our state capital to say we're not hardened criminals.  For our home study agency to schedule our first visit.  For IBESR to decide when and if they will accept new dossiers.

And I'm back to being scared again (although I'm not sure it exactly stopped). You know the saying, "That which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"?  Where did my strength go?

I think there is some kind of tolerance that comes with pain.  When you're going through something really tough the little things aren't nearly as prominent as they once were in life.  But, after each painful space of life, I've created my own "painproof" layer, a protective shield of sorts - trying to keep the painful out.  That shield drastically reduces my tolerance to pain.

It is becoming more and more evident in my life that the painful needs to come back in and adoption is letting that pain and fear come in full force.

I would not have understood that at all prior to January.

One of my biggest concerns with adoption was that I would not feel like I was our adopted child's mother.  I couldn't imagine how that feeling would come about in the same way or strength as it did with the children I gave birth to.  But an experience in January changed that.  Now this is a journey to our child.  Even though he'll look nothing like me - not the same color of skin, not the same personality, not the same hair.  Nothing will resemble me or Husband.  Yet, this boy will be mine all the same.  And so now every step in this process is personal and vulnerable for me.  Just like each ultrasound and doctor's visit was with the children I gave birth to.  We're in our first trimester.  Doing tests and waiting for something more concrete - kicks, growth, something.

It is becoming clearer with each passing day that I destroyed the strength that may have resulted from any of my past experiences.  I don't have it.  But there is One who does.  And I'm going to have to lean on Him for each step.

This is a personal, vulnerable journey and He is going to have to be my Sustainer.  I'm going to have to trust that HE is true, His promises are true and He can be trusted.  I have a lot of Bible reading to do, friends.





No Matter What Lyrics
I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You
 No matter what (no matter, no matter what, no matter)
No matter what (no matter, no matter what – no matter, no matter what)

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it, without Your help
I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons, for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

Anything I don’t have, You can give it to me
But it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own

And no matter what, I still love You
And I’m gonna need You
No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You
No matter what (no matter)
No matter what (no matter, no matter what)
No matter - no matter what (No matter - no matter what)
No matter - no matter what (No matter - no matter what)
No matter - no matter what

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Already All I Need

Music speaks to my heart so strongly in ways that regular words can not.  The reason I love the song, Already All I Need is because it is a strong reminder of Who He is.  That He is consistent - He is the same - no matter where I am and what is happening around me.  I need that reminder so strongly when life is uncomfortable.


Enjoy these words tonight, dear one.  He is already all we need.




Already All I Need

Asking where 
 

Asking where You are, Lord. 
Wondering where You’ve been. 
Is like standing in a hurricane, trying to find the wind. 
And hoping for Your mercy to meet me where I am. 
Is forgetting that Your thoughts for me, outnumber the sand. 
You filled the sun with morning light. 
You bid the moon to lead the night. 
You clothe the lilies bright and beautiful.
You’re already all I need. 
Already everything that I could hope for.
You’re already all I need. 
You’ve already set me free. 
Already making me. 
More like You. 
You’re already all I need. 
Jesus, You’re already all I need. 
Walking through this life without Your freedom in my heart. 
Is like holding onto shackles that You have torn apart. 
So remind me of Your promises. And all that You have done. 
In this world I will have trouble.  But You have overcome. 
And every gift that I receive.  You determine just for me. 
But nothing I desire compares with You. 
In Your fullness.  You’re my all in all. 
In Your healing. I’m forever made whole.
In Your freedom. Your love overflows.  And carries me. You carry me.

Friday, April 27, 2012

In the World, Not Of It

Credit
When we purchased our house a couple of years ago, we knew it needed a lot of work done to it.  It is a beautiful home - just not finished.  Our house has a history of people moving in and out of it quickly.  And so, it wasn't ever completely done.

The house was mostly lacking curb appeal.
 
Last year we began the process of finishing the outside of our home.  Fixing the porch, beefing up the molding, warping pillars, fixing the steps.  This year our plan was to put trim around the windows.

We have a guy, who we love, who has done our construction projects with us.  He is phenomenal.  Said guy invited us to meet with a designer to show us how our house would look with the next step completed, prior to purchasing the materials and beginning the next phase.  Husband and I welcomed the opportunity because neither of us have what artists and designers have - a creative, intuitive, designing eye.

As we met with artist man today, he showed us all these beautiful sketches and designs of what our house could look like.  And then he said this,

"You know, if you just put $30,000 into this house, it would look phenomenal."

I looked at Husband, and he looked back, knowingly.

$30,000.  The estimate of how much it is going to cost us to adopt from Haiti.

You know, I WANT to make my house be as beautiful as it can be.  I want it to have the curb appeal that last year I longed for.  I want to do the easy, comfortable thing.

Now, don't get me wrong - $30,000 is not the easy thing.  Like most people, we don't have $30,000 floating around waiting to be spent.  But, putting money into a project that I can see develop with my eyes, that will make me, my family, look perfect and like we have it all together is something I really want.

It doesn't require waiting for bunches of people to tell me I'm fit to parent.  It doesn't require someone in another country to tell me its okay to adopt one of their children.  It doesn't require seeing a precious face on my desktop that I long to bring home but can't.   Its so much easier.

We committed to finish the next phase of our project.  We will work on it bits at a time as we feel like it fits into our budget.  There's a juggling act to being in the world but not being of it.  There's nothing wrong with adding curb appeal to my home, I don't think.  That's part of being in our culture.  But longing for that is being of our culture.

I hope my longing keeps moving in the direction of the world that is not here.  That lesson, I believe, is the first gift from our waiting child to us.




Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What to Expect When You're Adopting From Haiti - Compiling the Dossier

We are on step 6 of adopting from Haiti!  Here are the steps we've completed so far:

  1. Decide to adopt - 6 months
  2. Decide to adopt from Haiti - 1 month
  3. Choose an agency to work with - 2 days
  4. Apply to an agency and be accepted - 5 days
  5. Send in agency fee - 3 days
  6. Compile dossier - 
We are in the throws of compiling our life and what everyone thinks of us on paper, which also needs to be notarized and certified and authenticated (in some states) before it is translated, sealed and delivered to Haiti.  Yikes.  My 1 1/2 inch pretty binder is not going to be big enough.

But I'm in my element in this.  I love organizing and doing paperwork.  (I know that seems crazy to a lot of people!)  I have found my niche here, people!  :)

What to Expect with This Step
  1. Paperwork - and lots of it.  Birth/marriage certificates, autobiographies, references, clearances, etc. all need to be compiled.
  2. Exams from several different professionals saying we are fit to parent.
  3. Getting to know a notary very well.  Our notary is about to be my new best friend.
  4. For this step to take approximately 2-6 months to complete. 
The Risks Of This Step
  1. Haiti is not a Hague Accredited country.  In short, the Hague Convention (and resulting treaty) asserts regulations to limit child trafficking as much as possible.  They enforce laws in regard to adoption that are tight and require a lot of leg work - this is all very good.  Haiti desires to be a Hague country and the governing body there has signed the treaty but not yet ratified it.  What that means is the second they decide to ratify, all new dossier acceptances stop until the ratification process is complete - which took the United States, a first world country, 15 years to complete.  Our dossier can't reach Haiti until August when I turn 35 (one of the requirements of adopting from Haiti).  So, we need this treaty to not be ratified until after our dossier is well into the governing body of Haiti (IBESR).
  2. We just heard today that Haiti is not accepting new dossiers until June 1.  I'm praying this won't mean that they are stopping from accepting dossiers all together.
  3. The home study.  I'm not sure what constitutes failing a home study, but a licensed agency in Pennsylvania needs to say we are fit to parent and our home and environment are fit to parent in.  If we don't pass this step, we're out.
 Now that I've brought you all this information and joy, here's the relational part.

I'm scared.  I've always been a fearful person.  I saw yesterday in a very simple matter how I am so very much like a child.  If I don't get my way, I am UPSET.  I mean, temper tantrum upset.  It really isn't pretty at all in my head.  I automatically question God's love for me as soon as I'm not getting my way about something - and I do it in anger!

In my life, fear typically presents itself in anger.  When someone scares me in jest my first reaction is to hit them.  It's like a powerful, emotive response.  I'm scared --> I'm angry.

So, when I believe something is out of my control and that God doesn't have my back, I get scared and automatically revert to anger.

I know how I'm going to feel if this falls apart.  I'm going to be scared that I've failed from this calling somehow.  That I've done something to Him and that He is disappointed in me.  And then I'll get angry.  I've seen it before in my life and I'm not excited to see it again.

I know getting my own way all the time is not good for me, just as it is not good for my children.  I know, also, that if this does not work out, He will have something else for me, for us.  At least, I pray He does. 

I have so much to learn and I'm thankful that this process is going to be one of those ways to learn those things.

Thank you for your prayers and support, friends.  We have been so joyfully surprised at the wonderful comments and encouragements we have received from you since our announcement.  We're so grateful!

Love,
Karyn

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Our Announcement

It is time!

After months of prayer, consideration, talking, crying and experiencing life in light of "the decision", Husband and I have decided to adopt - from Haiti.

And so begins the process of waiting for our little one to come home.  We're excited, scared, tentative, happy, emotional and nervous all at the same time.

If you think of us, we'd appreciate your prayers.  We keep hearing how surprising, scary, unpredictable and wonderful this process is.  Prayers that His peace would envelop us as our journey unfolds, that His will would be done and that the child He has chosen for our family would find us somehow would be so appreciated.  Thank you, dear ones.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Radical Love

Today has been a heart breaking day for me. Nothing bad has happened to my family. Nothing bad has happened to me, but I'm grieving, just the same.

You see, my husband and I have been considering and praying over adoption for several months. Just two weeks ago my husband told me he was ready to move forward in adopting. I started narrowing down the countries we were eligible to adopt from and we both felt like we had to wait. He had a mission trip scheduled and we felt like we specifically needed to wait for that trip to happen before we made a decision. So we stopped working and started praying and fasting.

His trip was last week.

Now, you need to understand my husband. He is a methodical, cautious and very "thinking" kind of person. But he called me on Wednesday during his trip to tell me he had met a little boy.

Moses.

Moses is 8 months old and he needs a home. But its complicated because he is a refugee living in a different country from when he was birthed.

"I want to adopt him."

I couldn't believe this was coming from MY husband. He didn't need to think. He didn't need to wonder. He had met the reality of the orphan crisis and he had fallen in love.

He sent me pictures and it took me less than 2 seconds to fall in love with this sweet little boy.

It seemed so simple. He is an orphan. He needs a family. We have that!

But, we learned today that we can not adopt him.

The particular countryis a Hague Convention country, which means you have to follow very specific rules in order to adopt. They allow no private adoptions. THEY match you to a child. You are not allowed to arrange your own.

We are heart broken over this because we started, even in that short 1 week window, thinking of this child as our son.

We didn't tell anyone we were thinking of adopting because we wanted to know how we felt about all of it before we started hearing everyone else's opinion.

Well, now I know.

I KNOW I can love another child just as much as I love my own children. I know I can love a child that is a different color than I am. I know I don't care how much it costs. I know I don't care if I have to wait to accomplish it. I know I don't care what anyone thinks (unless they think I'm an unfit parent - I do care about that).

I know my heart has broken for the orphan, the defenseless, the child with no home.

And I know I want to adopt.

But there is something else in this that is taking me a little off guard.

People keep saying, "You're learning a lot about the love of the Father through this."

What are they talking about, I've wondered?

I feel like God is dangling carrots in front of me, giving me desires and seeming opportunity and then yanking the carrot away while laughing.

My friend said to me, "I can hear what Satan is whispering to you. It's NOT true."

Two sweet girls lost their mother in January. Just before she passed away I shared this song with one of the girls.

I listened to that same song tonight. If I could love this little boy so much in 4 days and would put my life on hold for him and long and ache for him, how much more does God love me?

I think that is what my friend was getting at.

Adoption is a hard, sad, messy thing. These children have experienced grief beyond what I will ever know. Abandoned, relinquished, forgotten, alone. Each child who has been orphaned will experience a level of hurt that will not heal on this side of heaven, but I want nothing more than to walk beside a child who is experiencing that hurt. I want to be their mother.

I'm scared.

I don't know what is in store for us now. We are hurting. My husband is hurting. I don't know if he will want to continue in this process or not now. We have to wait some more to find out, I think.

I'm not looking forward to that. But, I'm looking forward to the growth I hope to experience in finding the truth of the love God has for me, which trumps the love I'll ever have for anyone.




All your pain
Will be made mine
All your troubles
The tears you cry

Give it up
All that binds
I will place it on my shoulders
And up this hill I’ll climb

Father, give me strength
I know there is no other way

I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
So I lay down my life for you

This is love
That had to bleed
To bring you mercy
To set you free

You are mine
I am yours
And I will wear your burdens
Just like this crown of thorns

I will take your place
I know there is no other way

I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you

Give me all your pride
Give me all your fears
Give me all your secrets
Give me all your tears

Give me all you doubt
Give me all your shame
Watch them wash away
Watch them wash away

Give me all your pride
Give me all your fears
Give me all your secrets
Give me all your tears

Give me all your doubt
Give me all your shame
Watch them wash away
In Jesus’ name

I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you

Though I know that you don’t understand
These scars are part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you

Arms stretched out
Upon this tree
To show true love
To set you free

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Tim Horton Withdrawal

There is a dichotomy of feeling that I experience when I post here.

Because my Jesus fund keeps adding up.

I feel a combination of shame over the spending I didn't think twice about before as well as a sense of excitement that simply skipping a few things adds up so fast!

Lastest skips - Tim Hortons and a cake pop pan.

I used to drop Little Miss off at school and run to Tim Horton's. "Yes. I'll have an extra large tea with sugar and 2 fruit explosion muffins."

"That will be $4.36."

$4.36 no more.

Three times a week, at least, and we're looking at nearly $13 a week. That adds up fast.

The thing is, I'm finding my mentality is changing through this. The desire to go to Tim Horton's every time I drop her off is no longer there. Does that mean I stop counting it every week?

I'm not sure.

Either way its a good thing. It means that the Jesus fund is not something that is temporary, (although I have a feeling that the accrual of it will slow as this goes on). The Jesus fund is a heart change that I'm experiencing.

And I'm glad for that.

Any simple luxuries you've given up lately? Please share. Because at this moment, I'm longing for a fruit explosion muffin. :)

Friday, March 2, 2012

Adding Up the Jesus Fund - The First Installments


Last week I introduced you to my Jesus fund.

Here's how it's adding up so far....

After the new year, I decided I was going to have to start dieting. I had gained 10 pounds in a year and was growing out of my pants. And my kids were asking me if I had a baby in my belly, which was met with a prompt lecture on how you never say things like that to Mommy.

One of the ways I decided to go about my plan to lose weight was through walking on the treadmill.

But I am oh, so picky. The treadmill had to be in the corner of the room because it just felt too tacky to have a piece of exercise equipment in the middle of my living room. And I, of course, needed to be able to watch TV while exercising because that is the only way I could tolerate it. And I had to pull the treadmill way out to the middle of the living room to see the TV.

All kinds of problems here.

My solution?

I need a new entertainment stand - one that is flat, with no doors covering the TV, so I can just rotate the TV for my convenience.

I drove to very fashionable and very trendy HQ and prided myself in picking out an inexpensive, yet attractive, flat entertainment stand. We got it all loaded up in the car, smashed right up against Little Miss and drove home - conviction pouring down all the way.

I was purchasing this entertainment table for my own convenience. I didn't need it. I could inconvenience myself by pulling out the treadmill if I so desired. And it cost $183.37. $183.37 that I really didn't think about, and easily justified spending. Enter shame.

So, it never came out of the box. It went right back to HQ and the refunded money went straight into the Jesus Fund.

Installment #1? Check!

I mentioned I've been reading Jen Hatmaker's book, 7 - a project against excess. She has partnered with HELP in the efforts to promote Garage Sale for Orphans as a way to get rid of all the extra stuff we all have laying around and help end human trafficking in Haiti. (Maybe something I would like???.....).

Now, I live in the middle of no where. The summer after we moved into our home I held a garage sale. Saying that it bit would be an understatement. I vowed I wouldn't do it again.

So Amazon is my substitute.

I have a lot of books in my bedroom that I've read once and know I'm not going to read again, so I started listing them on Amazon. Results so far? $6.75.

Installment #2.

It's a start, and a pretty good one, I think. For me, this is going to add up fast.

Do you have any creative ideas for how I can add to the Jesus Fund? Let's here 'em!

photo credit

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Jesus Fund

One of the ideas that came out of reading Radical for our family was "The Jesus Fund."

You know all those commercials that say, "Hey, if you skipped this cup of coffee every day you could sponsor a child!"

And then you know how we all ignore it?

For me, it just isn't concrete enough. Sure I could skip that cup of coffee (tea in my case), but I would just go ahead and spend the money on something else just as unnecessary.

Enter the Jesus Fund. Because I like concreteness.

Now, when I make volitional choices to pass up the purchases I would usually spend money on that I really don't need to be spending money on, I keep track.

Quicken is a beautiful thing. It has helped us really keep track of where our money is going and has helped us allot our money to where we want it to be going and not just where we're spending it.

Quicken has this great feature in which you can "save" money and make an account for it without actually having a separate bank account. They are termed "savings plans".

Well, now Jesus has His own plan.

When we skip out on a regular purchase, we "transfer" money from our checking account to our Jesus fund. We're going to pray about where that money should go as it increases. For now we're just keeping track and seeing what that change looks like.

You get to be my accountability partners and see what is changing in our spending and how quickly this adds up. Part of me wants it to add up fast and part of me knows I'll be ashamed of how excessively I want to spend our money as I watch it add up.

Stay tuned.

PS - If you decide to start a Jesus fund, let me know. I want to be watching you too. :)

photo credit

Friday, February 24, 2012

Cleaning It Out


A friend of mine introduced me to Jen Hatmaker and her radical book, 7.

I started reading it on Wednesday and today I started making concrete changes as a result of the convictions it has prompted in me.

I say convictions and not guilt because guilt is not driving the decisions I'm making. My hunger for Christ-likeness is leading the charge. Finally!

We have an ENORMOUS pantry in our kitchen, including three massive shelves that span about 6 feet in length each. And it is full.

I called the kids into the kitchen with me tonight and talked to them about what many kids in Haiti have right now. Rice and beans. Two things. I pulled out a container of rice and a can of beans and set it on the floor. I told the kids, "If I handed this much food to a kiddo in Haiti right now they would think it was Christmas."

My kids jaws actually dropped.

I explained to them that I had been learning new things about how God wants us to live and how we were going to change as a result of that. Change number 1? Going through our things. Seeing what all we have, taking stock, disposing of the expired items, giving away that which is good but we won't use and making a plan for the items we have. We cleaned out 1/3 of the pantry. Not our cupboards. Not our refrigerator. Not our freezers. (Yes, more than 1 freezer.) Merely 1/3 of our pantry. We pulled out 120 items.

120!

Tonight I am not okay with that. I made a list of meals I'm going to make this week with many of those items. Why do I possibly need to go grocery shopping with that many things in 1/3 of my pantry?

Our new rule in the house is we don't buy food to replace other food until the first thing is gone. Don't want the snacks we have? Well, we can get new ones when these ones are gone.

Your thoughts? How many things do you have in your pantry?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

No Where Else To Go

"So Jesus said to them, 'Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in yourselves.'.....

As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore. So Jesus said to the twelve, “You do not want to go away also, do you?” Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?'" John 6



A dear friend of ours is dying today and none of it makes sense - the abruptness, the youth, the girls she will be leaving behind, the tragedy of what she has faced in the last few years alone, let alone combining it with this?!? No sense.

Eating Jesus' flesh, drinking His blood? An outrageous, incomprehensible statement from the One who knows all to a group who wishes they understood, even a little.

But when faced with the decision - accept or leave - His disciples stay. Peter stays. Because, truly, where else is there to go?

There is no gestalt of what it means. No true understanding behind what Jesus is saying for the disciples, but they continue to wait with and watch Him, hoping that at some point it will all make sense, and knowing there is NO where else to go.

Looking head on at the tragedy of our friend's passing, the incomprehensibility it presents and the pain involved, we face a similar choice. Accept and wait and watch for Him or walk away.

Her daughters choose to believe. Choose to wait and hope that somewhere in the beyond His plan will become clearer. Choose to enter in the hurt with Him because there is no where else to go.

Even in this confusion He makes the most sense, He offers the greatest hope and He carries the pain alongside.

There is no where else to go.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Short Term Tunnel Vision

Here's how I operate.....

If it isn't happening in 2 months, it isn't happening. EVER.

About a month ago my husband and I started talking about going to Haiti with Help End Local Poverty. We were able to speak with Chris (from HELP) on the phone the a couple days ago and while we had considered going on a trip with them in June, it became clear that their February trip was more appropriate for us because they were going to be vision casting for fighting human trafficking in Haiti. RIGHT up my alley!

I thought it might work. Husband was scheduled to work, but only 4 days so we thought it wouldn't be terribly difficult to switch. I was sure I could find child care.

Nope. None of that happened. And the more we tried, the more complicated it seemed to get.

So we're not going.

And that means everything else is on hold.

We wanted to go to Haiti as we consider adoption - to see if there is a need for adoption and if Haiti is a country we could see ourselves investing in and spending a significant amount of time in because of our child.

But now there isn't anything on the radar and I don't know what is going to happen.

So, I'm back to radical waiting.