You would think that after going through something really tough, that the resulting strength would carry you on to the next level.
I wish that was the case for me.
We found out last week Haiti is now not accepting new dossiers to until July 20. That changed from June 1 just a week ago. What's it going to be next week?
On our end, almost everything is done for our home study. We've requested nearly every clearance known to man. We've relived our past in the forms of autobiographies, statements and references. I even had the experience of calling the first place I rented an apartment looking for one of my previous addresses. I'm good with that.
But now we wait for other people to do their jobs. For our state capital to say we're not hardened criminals. For our home study agency to schedule our first visit. For IBESR to decide when and if they will accept new dossiers.
And I'm back to being scared again (although I'm not sure it exactly stopped). You know the saying, "That which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"? Where did my strength go?
I think there is some kind of tolerance that comes with pain. When you're going through something really tough the little things aren't nearly as prominent as they once were in life. But, after each painful space of life, I've created my own "painproof" layer, a protective shield of sorts - trying to keep the painful out. That shield drastically reduces my tolerance to pain.
It is becoming more and more evident in my life that the painful needs to come back in and adoption is letting that pain and fear come in full force.
I would not have understood that at all prior to January.
One of my biggest concerns with adoption was that I would not feel like I was our adopted child's mother. I couldn't imagine how that feeling would come about in the same way or strength as it did with the children I gave birth to. But an experience in January changed that. Now this is a journey to our child. Even though he'll look nothing like me - not the same color of skin, not the same personality, not the same hair. Nothing will resemble me or Husband. Yet, this boy will be mine all the same. And so now every step in this process is personal and vulnerable for me. Just like each ultrasound and doctor's visit was with the children I gave birth to. We're in our first trimester. Doing tests and waiting for something more concrete - kicks, growth, something.
It is becoming clearer with each passing day that I destroyed the strength that may have resulted from any of my past experiences. I don't have it. But there is One who does. And I'm going to have to lean on Him for each step.
This is a personal, vulnerable journey and He is going to have to be my Sustainer. I'm going to have to trust that HE is true, His promises are true and He can be trusted. I have a lot of Bible reading to do, friends.
No Matter What Lyrics
I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why
No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You
No matter what (no matter, no matter what, no matter)
No matter what (no matter, no matter what – no matter, no matter what)
When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it, without Your help
I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons, for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength
Anything I don’t have, You can give it to me
But it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
And no matter what, I still love You
And I’m gonna need You
No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You
No matter what (no matter)
No matter what (no matter, no matter what)
No matter - no matter what
(No matter - no matter what)
No matter - no matter what
(No matter - no matter what)
No matter - no matter what
