You know, last year, when I prayed for life to be uncomfortable - for the sake of Christ - I didn't know what that meant.
I didn't know that would mean seeing a mother die before her children were ready to have her go.
I didn't know that would mean my heart breaking for those children and welcoming one of them into our home.
I didn't know how confused I would feel in that role. How my black and white world would became so very gray.
I think I'm messing it up. I don't want to. I want to do so well here. I want to provide security and stability for this girl. I want her to know that I love her with no strings attached.
But, my issues are so in the way, particularly the issue of wanting so desperately to understand where I stand and how long I'm going to stand there. I have forgotten that while Jesus loves me, so dearly loves me, so much more than I love and adore any of my children, biological or no, He does it knowing that I will eb and flow away from Him. That sometimes the very security He provides will make me want to rebel.
Oh, how I love Him for standing beside me. When I'm messing everything up, He's there. When I'm the last example of Christ that anyone would look toward, He is there.
I pray that He will work in this area of my life beyond where I can work at all - that if I could say all the right words and have all the right expectations and set all the right boundaries, that His love and His work would still surpass mine. That I will stand firm despite the eb and flow that are supposed to occur here because I am following His example of love.
Thank You, Jesus.
