Loving Without Being Loved Back

It is amazing to me how God is so preparing my heart for the adoption of our little guy.

This summer brought on challenges and opportunities we weren't expecting - one of which was having a girl we have known for several years come live with us.

Having her in our home brought on so many lessons that will absolutely apply to our adoption - so many so that I sometimes wonder if Little Guy will get here sooner than we are anticipating.  That, and we know a lot of people who are praying for that very thing.

God gave me a heart for this girl, who lived with us, in January when her mother passed away suddenly.  You hear of adoptive families saying they knew their child was theirs as soon as they laid eyes on them.  I obviously did not have that experience with this girl because she had a mother, a woman I greatly enjoyed being with. 

After this girl's mom passed away I felt like God have me a mother's heart for her.  I've never experienced anything like that and it was a lot of what led me to believe that we could actually adopt.  I just couldn't imagine before that how I could love any other child as I do the ones I bore.

But, nothing happened at that point.  A different person became her guardian, leading me to wonder what in the world that was all about.  We learned of a housing need of hers while over the summer and at the beginning of August she came to stay with us.

The joys and challenges of having someone live with you started almost immediately and we're still working through the bonding of that and wondering what the future will hold.

It is such an awkward time to enter someone's life in a quasi authoritarian role.  We don't have the background with her to ask her to do something and have her understand our motives or even our dynamics and how things just simply work in our home.  And although God gave me a mother's heart for her, He didn't necessarily give her a "daughter's heart" for us.

What do you do with that?

I keep struggling with my role in her life and I feel like I keep being asked, "How much do I love you?"

How much does HE love me?  When I don't feel like loving Him back.  When I don't like the rules He puts in my life.  When I doubt that He even loves me. 

He LOVES me no matter what.

And I am supposed to do the same.  I am supposed to love others, to love her, no matter what their response is to me, no matter what role I have in their lives, no matter what the future holds.  Just keep loving.

So, as much as I want things to be black and white, and as much as I want to be loved in return, this is one of those situations where I just can't expect that.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me.  Help me to love like You do.

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." – 1 John 4:9-11

Eb and Flow

You know, last year, when I prayed for life to be uncomfortable - for the sake of Christ - I didn't know what that meant.

I didn't know that would mean seeing a mother die before her children were ready to have her go.

I didn't know that would mean my heart breaking for those children and welcoming one of them into our home.

I didn't know how confused I would feel in that role.  How my black and white world would became so very gray.

I think I'm messing it up.  I don't want to.  I want to do so well here.  I want to provide security and stability for this girl.  I want her to know that I love her with no strings attached.

But, my issues are so in the way, particularly the issue of wanting so desperately to understand where I stand and how long I'm going to stand there.  I have forgotten that while Jesus loves me, so dearly loves me, so much more than I love and adore any of my children, biological or no, He does it knowing that I will eb and flow away from Him.  That sometimes the very security He provides will make me want to rebel.

Oh, how I love Him for standing beside me.  When I'm messing everything up, He's there.  When I'm the last example of Christ that anyone would look toward, He is there.

I pray that He will work in this area of my life beyond where I can work at all - that if I could say all the right words and have all the right expectations and set all the right boundaries, that His love and His work would still surpass mine.  That I will stand firm despite the eb and flow that are supposed to occur here because I am following His example of love.

Thank You, Jesus.