The Hole of Trauma - and How the Intensive Counseling Went

Our intensive counseling has been over for 2 months now.  Oh, it feels like so long ago.  We've had several people ask us how it went and up until now, my very intelligent, articulate response has been, "Uhhhh....  It was intense."  Nice.

The holidays are often rough for kiddos and families with RAD.  The change in routine, increase in company, foods, noise, gifts, etc. all leave our adoptive kiddos with a sense of feeling out of control, powerless and scared of what is changing.  And if they are older, the gathering of family reminds them of their loss, the family they aren't with.

The holidays were challenging for us.  As I took Little Guy to school the other morning, I was praying and asking God how to keep processing this, how to simply deal.  I share with you the picture he gave me.

*And just as a disclaimer, this picture is of the effect of trauma in our lives, not life in general.  Life is full and beautiful in many ways including health, safety, some of the most amazing and faithful friends and a GREAT GOD who is with us, both in and out of the hole.

Trauma is a hole.  A hole dug and furnished by significant hurt.  Long ago, the bottom of the hole was dark, lined with loose dirt and gravel.

With each hurt, each piece of trauma, the hole was dug deeper.  In separate corners the hurters dug and the hole grew deeper still.

At times, I tried to climb out, but I could not resist the weight of the pull of the hurt or the gravity of the situation.  

I wanted to fight my way out of that place.

At the top of the hole there was a light.  And, the hole was lined with one singular rope.  It reached the whole way to the top of the hole and went down further than the hole had even been dug - the dirt falling off it, yet still having an effect of being colored by the dirt.  It was dirty, as was I.

As time went on, the time came where I finally grew strong enough to start climbing out of that hole.  How liberating it felt to even start to climb!!  It felt like I was climbing so quickly.

Yet, at times, I was pulled back.  At times, I would climb and the dirt would be so loose and my footing so insecure that I would fall almost the entire way back to the bottom. 

As I climbed, I found notches, left along the way by helpers and blessings from my past and present that would help me climb my way out when it was time.

And the rope stayed.  Constant.  I didn’t know when I started out that it was Jesus.  That the consistent, constant thing that was dirty alongside me, was with me, with my hurts all the way down to the bottom was Him.  Sometimes the rope was hard to see.  Sometimes it seemed to disappear into the wall.  Sometimes I pushed it out of the way, either on purpose or accidentally and when I fell back again it was harder for me to find.

And sometimes, the fall back revealed the rope even clearer.

There were places in the hole that were easy to climb, but not very many.  There were places where the light at the top seemed to shine brighter and it seemed even reachable and sometimes when I could barely see it and wondered if it was still there at all.

There were places in the wall that seemed like they were packed so tightly that they’d be impossible to scale, but those were the places where the notches, left by others, became so clear.  And then there were places where I didn’t realize the dirt was so loose and didn’t see the fall of regression coming.

I don’t think I’m anywhere near the top of the hole.  For me, I think that place, the place of total healing, will be heaven.

Today I am struggling with the fact that I’m so deep in the hole.  That I’ve put on self protection that sometimes defeats the purpose of even climbing out.  That is where I am with Little Guy and relationships right now.  My self protection is keeping me from doing what I should be doing with him and I feel like he and my loneliness are pushing me down the hole, even making me look down to the bottom, all over again, so that the hurt is all I can see.  I’m struggling that these things - life, my own sin - make me fall further into the hole.

But, I’m trying to find compassion for myself and NOT LET GO.  To tell myself it is good to admit there is a hole, that the hole is messy and unpredictable and sometimes I will fall further back.  The important thing is to keep looking for the rope and to know that it is always there and that there will be notches ahead that I can’t see and one day I will get to the top, no matter what.

As I have thought on this more, through the week, I have realized that this past year, the intensive and a few other times, were times God was asking me to sit it out.  To stop climbing for a bit and just rest.  Just cry.  As I look down at the tears falling from my face, falling on to my dirty hands, I realize there are tears beyond my own.  Tears that are cleansing me.  His tears.  Times when God has been powerfully with me, crying alongside me and washing the dirt away.  The intensive was one of those times, both for me and for Little Guy.

The intensive counseling shined the light into Little Guy's hole, my hole and the hole of our family, in greater ways than we had yet seen.  Oh, there were places that were so dark!  And yet, the rope became clearer still, as did the notches, our loved ones and supporters.  It was a tremendous time of growth and gaining of wisdom and even hope.

We will keep sharing as God reveals.  We are grateful for each and every notch and I doubt many of you even know you're leaving them.

Much love to you.
Karyn

I'm at the end of my rope with Little Guy.  The triggers he experiences are daily.  Being told no, being hungry, being tired, having people come and go from the house (because we do things outside our home), are all natural things that happen on a daily basis.  And, in response to his triggers, he gets aggressive.  He yells, hits, scratches, throws things, etc.  All of those things are triggers from my past and I respond with defensiveness and pushing away and the cycle continues.

There are times I am able to therapeutically parent him, which means pulling him in no matter what.  But, those times are becoming fewer and further between.  The hurt is just becoming too great.  The reminders of the past too much, too often.  And I can't keep walking into it anymore.

I am not parenting this child well.  I am not able to rise above his personal assaults anymore.  I can't not take them personally.

I am beyond discouraged and truly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the strength is all gone.

One Year Home

the time since we arrived to the airport on July 11, 2014 until now has not been at all what i expected.
i did not expect Little Guy to not talk to us for the first three weeks. i didn’t expect the joy in his eyes at being told no, the lack of empathy when he hurt someone, the raw and primitive desire he had to be in control of EVERYTHING in his environment. i didn’t expect the hyper vigilance, the panic, the fear. i didn’t expect him to reject us and try to hurt us and push us away. i didn't expect RAD. i didn’t expect my own history of pain to be brought up and relived through his pain. i didn’t expect to see my own hyper vigilance.

i didn’t expect to lose 4 of the dearest friendships i thought i’d ever have.

i didn’t expect to be diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks after we got home.

i didn’t expect to leave our church home, that we have been a part of and figured we’d stay forever at, since moving here.

and i didn’t expect the anger toward all the factors that caused all those things. my sin. other’s sin. stupid choices. the fact that we are just fallen.

i didn’t expect these things either:

our marriage to grow.

friends, one a continent away, another 15 minutes away, who would drop everything when I was truly at the end of my rope. the one who was able to sit with me until it was safe not to.

new friends that can deal with and hear all the “hard” i can spew out. and who spew it back. people who would reach out in ways we didn’t expect - dinners out, taking the kids out, phone calls, texts, messages, meals, countless prayers.

to be welcomed into a group of adoptive mommas who would know in advance how stinking hard this would be and be there for every comment, every fear, if only virtually.

friends, who i have either never met in person or have spent very little time with, to be able to be there, truly, when life was falling apart. and somehow, love well, even from afar.

to grow more in love and appreciation of the children we had before Little Guy was here.

 to need to walk in humility to our children’s teachers to ask them to keep an eye out to make sure our kiddos were okay, along with us, because we were so overwhelmed. and to be understood and treated with grace and compassion in return.

very little, if anything, is the same as it was a year ago at this time. it brings an unsettling realization that life goes on no matter what is happening in my life, but it also brings peace that life does indeed keep going, even when you’re sure it can’t.

what i’ve learned....

that relationships are often cyclical. i hate that, but it is good to know that things can cycle back. just because they get off track doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way.

that it is okay to admit your own weaknesses. to be vulnerable. i have never cried like i did that one weekend in february when i was ready to end it all. and i will never again judge the emotions of anyone who considers suicide. because when you’re at the point of ending it all, there is no more judgement, there is no selfishness. it only makes sense. it actually feels like the right thing to do. and you truly can’t think of anyone to call. i was able to reach out to 2 women and they treated me with love and acceptance, despite all the things i was thinking, all the things i believed, all of my questions.

i have never been as vulnerable with people as i have in the past 8 months. admitting how terrible life felt, sobbing on the phone, even. you know what their response has been, in almost every circumstance? acceptance. and vulnerability back. when life feels like it is ending you just can’t put up a front anymore and it really seems to lower everyone else’s. i mean, no one, not a single person, could come to our house or look at me, and think everything was all together. so, they didn’t act like they had it all together, either. it was, shockingly, the most freeing thing. and i expected the exact opposite.

what i need to learn....

compassion. hurts die hard in my heart. i need to find a softened heart.

self worth. this is a blazing sign in front of me almost all the time. i am so insecure. and it isn’t doing me any favors.

who God really is. i’ve created this entity in my mind that God can not be if the Bible is true at all. i need to learn who He is and worship that instead of what I have made Him out to be.

this isn’t about to be wrapped up with a pretty little bow. it is a “to be continued” story. i don’t know what is next, how long it will be until our next rut (no, i wouldn’t say we are out of the one we found ourselves in in july), or what i’m going to face that is, again, unexpected. i am working on not being afraid of what is next. but, somehow i’m grateful for all this and i didn’t expect that, either.

It has been a long time since I have posted about how we are and I just wanted to follow up because I exploded my Facebook news feed for cries of help a couple of months ago.

We reached about our 4th breaking point in February. I have never felt that low in my life. The hopelessness of the thoughts of dealing with a violent child for the rest of our lives in addition to the loneliness we were experiencing was overwhelming. But, soon after, new help and hope started appearing. And it has made a huge difference.

Little Guy has good days. He is not nearly as aggressive as he was. This past week he spit and hit and kicked, but it had been weeks since he had done that last. He is starting to learn English and speak more, which is so helpful. Last night he went off the deep end and I was feeling helpless to know what to do. In times like that I pray for wisdom (if I remember to.) I prayed and asked for help to know what to do and hes said, "hungry!" That was his "trigger". He was hungry and was flipping out because of that.

 His insecurities are becoming easier to pick up on. We are noticing more when they are happening, how they are happening. Having that education helps. We had no clue about any of that before he came home. He can read people like you wouldn't believe. He wants to be the center of attention. He gets really hyperactive. But, we understand now a bit more about what is behind those things. They are not normal 3 year old things. I don't know how to explain it, except to say, there is a feeling where we know it is different - that it is stemming from some insecurity or fear he is experiencing. If we can figure it out and address that fear - and he can bring his brain to a point where he can listen - he calms down. He changes somehow. It gets exhausting thinking through it all sometimes. He has now been with us for 9 months and he still doesn't trust that he's not going to be neglected or abandoned or hungry without resolution. And that gets tough for all of us because of the way those fears manifest themselves.

I am finding myself at a place where I am starting to feel more normal again. Starting to think about reaching out again. Sometimes that lasts for a bit and then has to stop, for whatever reason. I was telling Justin the other night that there just hasn't been room for superficial or light or casual relationships so much in the past 9 months. There has simply been no "give" for relationships that couldn't be "muddy", so to speak and that is okay, I hope. I think life/God gives us those seasons for a purpose.

 So, we are in a much better place than we were a couple of months ago. Thank you all, so much, for standing with us in this. We are so grateful for each and every one of you.

2 Months Home

I write this post after taking a long deep breath.  Little Guy is finally asleep.

We have been in the fray this week, for sure.  I don't know what is going on in the mind of Little Guy, but it has been rough.  Biting, spitting, scratching, pulling hair, kicking, hitting.....  the whole gammit.  And if one attack doesn't effect whoever he is angry with, he looks for another one.  I can't possibly fathom the pain or fear he is experiencing.  It is scary just to watch.

I was not expecting this.

A friend of mine read about a million books before her children came home from Haiti.  I think I read 2, one of which was a book on Haiti's history.  I'm the kind of person that worries about things needlessly, so I didn't read much because I didn't want to invite troubles to worry about.  I thought it would be better to wait and see how things went and then do research specific to the problems we were facing.

And I'm at the point where I need to be doing that research, but now, when Little Guy goes to bed, my heart and mind are so worn that I don't want to touch another adoption related topic.  I want to sleep, instead.

I am doing very poorly at juggling life.  I miss our biological kids dearly.  Because of an hour long temper today, my littlest ones had to get their own lunch, which isn't a really big deal.  Independence is a good thing.  But, I knew what I was missing with them.  When Husband isn't home at night, they turn their own lights off and I check on them after Little Guy is finally asleep.  DFC (work) is suffering greatly.  I miss "normal".

I thought that once we started going places with Little Guy, after cocooning, I wouldn't feel so lonely.  How is it possible that I feel lonelier, still?  Somehow, even though I didn't imagine it would, it is getting tougher.

People see how cute he is.  (He is cute!)  And they know we waited forever.  And they ask us how happy we are.  I wonder if the zombie like expression I send back makes them wonder.

Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking almost 3 years ago when we decided to embark upon the process of adoption.  Life is so very different than it was then.  And I wonder if life would be that much worse for him if he was still at the orphanage, where he was with what was familiar, at least, without us.

And I think of those who say that we wanted this and he needs this.  Well, we wanted to obey God and we felt like adoption is where God was calling us.  We worked so hard to obey Him, through the unknown, waiting and corruption.  And we were referred to our Little Guy, so we kept taking one step at a time.  And now we are working hard to obey again, through the unknown, waiting and effects of corruption and institutionalized care.

I don't think it is possible for me to be more full of fear than he may be.  More out of my comfort zone.  More stretched.  Trying to put myself in his shoes feels overwhelming to me, to try to meet his needs, when I haven't the faintest idea how it would be to experience the kind of pain and suffering he has seen the first 3 years of his life, the last 2 months of his life.  He has to feel like he is in some kind of twilight zone.  I'd fight that, too.

I really hope that this gets better for him, for us.  If it wasn't for this blog post, (we're stage 2, if you couldn't guess) that explains where we are, almost to a T, I think I would feel hopeless all together.  And if it wasn't for concrete proof, like this....

Last picture we received from the orphanage

Little Guy on Friday - 2 months home

I'd feel very hopeless that this was good for any of us.  It gives me some hope.

Why am I writing this and bumming you all out?  :)

For the same reason I wrote the last post.  I know I am not alone in these feelings.  I know there are other adoptive or foster parents out there who are weary from the toll the daily rollercoaster of this process takes.  It is so frightening to tell people, in real life, what things are really like.  It feels impossible to explain.  And none of the people I interact with in our small part of the world have adopted, which means it is crazy hard to explain.  And it is scary to even try because you wonder what they are thinking about your commitment level or the kind of person you are, or worse, wonder about Little Guy.

But, out there somewhere, I think there are others who feel this way, who long for hope and to know they aren't alone.

Please keep praying for all of us - or other adoptive/foster families.  We need them.

As Long As It's Not Haiti

It's funny how you end up doing things you said you'd never do.

When we started considering adoption, I very much wanted to adopt from Haiti.  It was the only country I felt led toward adopting from.

But, then I began to learn about how painful it is to adopt from Haiti.  How it takes, on average, 2.5 years to complete the process, how most of the children have birth parents who are alive and simply can't provide for them, and how difficult the process is because of lack of communication and other issues third world countries experience.  And I made the decision we would not adopt from Haiti.

I wanted something simpler.  More concrete.

It took us almost 4 months to make the decision to adopt.  March 3, 2012 we decided to move forward, but we hadn't decided on where to adopt from yet.  My husband had a mission trip to the Dominican Republic planned for later that month and we felt like we had to wait until after that trip to decide.  We went to this website to see what countries we qualified for and we started narrowing them down.  Surprisingly, there were many countries that were automatically knocked out because our family didn't meet their rules.

We narrowed it down to 6 countries - Ethiopia, Bulgaria, India, United States, Congo and China.  And we decided to fast (give up something and spend concentrated time in prayer in place of that something).  Handsome fasted American food while he was in the DR.  I fasted dessert.  It was painful.  :)

During his trip to the DR, Husband met a sweet boy who had been abandoned by his mother, in a Haitian refugee camp.  We longed to adopt him and started doing our research.  We quickly learned, however, that it was completely impossible to adopt him.  We were heartbroken.

Through that experience and what we learned in it, we decided to eliminate all countries except Congo.  And we added in Haiti.

I kept pushing for Congo.  I searched and searched for blogs for people who had adopted from the Congo.  We couldn't find anyone who would answer our emails.  We couldn't join any forums.  It was just impossible to find information.  We called a couple of agencies, but you know when people tell you things in one conversation and then say something different in other conversations?  Well....that.

After a couple of weeks of indecisiveness, we decided to fast again.

A year ago today, I was sitting at my desk in our office and Husband came in from work, looked at me and said, simply, "Haiti."

Haiti.

April 4, 2012 it was decided.  Since then, we have been matched with a little boy in Haiti.  We have met that little boy and we absolutely love him. 

The reasons I didn't want to adopt from Haiti still exist.  We have been in this step of our adoption (IBESR) for nearly 7 months.  I thought that when we got to this part I would feel excited because we had gotten this far.  Instead, it seems the longer we keep going, the longer it feels like it's going to take.  But, I am grateful we are adopting from Haiti and I'm finding beauty in it, even though I'm living through the very reasons I didn't want to adopt from there in the first place.  And Haiti is where our Little Guy is; I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

The Feeling of Redemption

Have you ever seen something redeemed?  Watched a struggle unfold into victory?

A dear friend and her husband are bringing their children home soon.  The pain inside them is incredible as they wait, but from the outside, I know it will be soon.  And it will be amazing to see the victory of them welcoming their children home.

Two other friends are beginning the very hard work of starting to share their stories - stories buried deep in the past, but needing to come out for healing to occur.  It makes me ache to hear their stories.  I want the pain to stop.  But through their stories, that I didn't know even years after knowing them, those friends are even more beautiful to me than they were before.

I feel like I'm getting to stand on the sidelines and cheer right now.  I get to cheer for their redemption.  Because as orphans come home and people heal, redemption occurs.  What Satan meant for harm, God meant for good and I have the privelege of getting to see the GOOD.  His GOOD purpose is so beautifully exciting to watch.

Thank you for the honor of walking alongside these people, Father.  I am so grateful.

Dear Little Guy

I'm writing this publicly, I suppose, so you can see a glimpse of our hearts and what adopting our Little Guy feels like to me.....

Dear Little Guy,

As the time approaches to meet you I am filled with anticipation and excitement.  I wonder what it will be like.  What will it be like to catch our first glimpse of you as they bring you out to us?  What will it be like to kiss your head?  What will your face feel like?  How long will your fingers be?  What will you sound like? 

This week we received 2 more pictures of you.  The one picture was of you sleeping and I wasn't sure it was you.  I had to zoom in to your picture to look at your fingers and compare them with our other pictures to know for sure.  You have an umbilical hernia.  I think that's okay, but it left me with some worry.  The other picture was of you in a bouncy seat.  It was just of your chest up, but you were clearly not happy.  Sucking your thumb, eyebrows furrowed, other hand open and behind your head.  You wanted OUT of that thing and I wish I could have reached through and picked you up out of that chair.  I can't wait to be the one to comfort and take care of you.  I can't wait for you to know that you will be picked up and not be set aside because there are 20 other kids in the same room to take care of.  I can't wait to just be with and take care of you for a week - and then beyond.

At the same time, I wonder how you will feel about us.

Will we have brought the right sized clothes?  Will you be afraid of us?  Will you sleep?  Will you understand anything during our time together?  How will you feel about us leaving you?  Will that hurt you?

So many questions and I am left to simply wonder about them for now.  But, we are doing things to get ready.

I made you a book this week called, "All About My Family".  In it I basically introduce you to us - our family, our home, our interests.  And I try to communicate to you how very much you are wanted.

Mr. Man can't wait to have another boy in the house to play with.

Girly Girl can't wait to color with and draw with you.

Little Miss can't wait to teach you and take care of you. 

We all love you so much already.  I'm worried about Little Miss because she keeps thinking we are going to go to Haiti to bring you home.  How I wish that were true!  I am trying to communicate to her that we are visiting you and that we would bring you home if we could, but we just can't right now.  I'm hoping there will be a way for you to interact all together while we're with you.

Just a few more weeks until we get to see your sweet face in person. We are beyond blessed to have this privilege. 

Love,
Mommy

Adoption Update

That's kind of misleading because there is nothing to update.

We received word a few weeks ago that our dossier is still sitting in IBESR.  It will be 4 months on the 14th.  We were also told that when it leaves IBESR and goes to the President's desk, we should anticipate waiting 6 months for his signature before we will exit IBESR.  And we should anticipate at least a year more of the "process" after our dossier exists IBESR.  We're hoping we won't be any longer than 21 months from now, but I'm getting worried about that timeline.

Things feel fuzzy.  And kind of like I'm in a river.  There are times when the adoption doesn't cross my mind a whole lot.  There are times it doesn't feel real at all.  And then there are times when it simply aches.  It all seems to go in waves.

It has amazed me how much our kiddos have encouraged my heart through the process.  The girls tell everyone and their mothers about Little Guy, especially Girly Girl, who is sure Little Guy is going to get here exactly when her teacher is due with her baby.  :)  Mr. Man doesn't really say anything about him.  To him, Little Guy is just a little boy in an orphanage in a third world country.  It's not personal.  But today I got a text from a mom of one of his friends who asked if we were adopting because her son told her Mr. Man had told him.  Such a blessing that was to hear.  And she was so encouraging.  At this point just having someone mention it helps.

So, we keep waiting and I keep looking forward to the 14th of every month.  The 14th is a landmark to me - each and every month.  It signifies the anniversary of when we received our referral and the anniversary of when we entered IBESR.   Every time we get to the 14th of a month I am grateful.  We're almost to 4 months in to IBESR.  Hopefully less than 1/3 of the way through this part of the process.

Please keep your prayers up for us and our Little Guy.  We appreciate them!

Eb and Flow

You know, last year, when I prayed for life to be uncomfortable - for the sake of Christ - I didn't know what that meant.

I didn't know that would mean seeing a mother die before her children were ready to have her go.

I didn't know that would mean my heart breaking for those children and welcoming one of them into our home.

I didn't know how confused I would feel in that role.  How my black and white world would became so very gray.

I think I'm messing it up.  I don't want to.  I want to do so well here.  I want to provide security and stability for this girl.  I want her to know that I love her with no strings attached.

But, my issues are so in the way, particularly the issue of wanting so desperately to understand where I stand and how long I'm going to stand there.  I have forgotten that while Jesus loves me, so dearly loves me, so much more than I love and adore any of my children, biological or no, He does it knowing that I will eb and flow away from Him.  That sometimes the very security He provides will make me want to rebel.

Oh, how I love Him for standing beside me.  When I'm messing everything up, He's there.  When I'm the last example of Christ that anyone would look toward, He is there.

I pray that He will work in this area of my life beyond where I can work at all - that if I could say all the right words and have all the right expectations and set all the right boundaries, that His love and His work would still surpass mine.  That I will stand firm despite the eb and flow that are supposed to occur here because I am following His example of love.

Thank You, Jesus.

Maybe....

Last week I shared with you that I didn't think we were going to make the September 15 deadline when Haiti again stops taking dossiers.

Now it looks like that may not be exactly true.

Our dossier is there already.  It was shipped on Friday - and it got to our orphanage yesterday.    Man, this process makes me cry a lot!  Today, the tears are happy and hopeful.  That's a good thing!

Now our dossier goes through first legalization in Haiti, which should take a week or two.  Once it comes out and Little Guy's dossier is finished they become one and go into IBESR.  That's where we need to get before September 15.

It still seems next to impossible, but we're praying anyway.  We have no idea how much of Little Guy's dossier has been finished or when it will be done.  Please pray with us!!

Why is this a prayer request for us?

• The sooner our file gets into IBESR, the sooner Little Guy gets to come home.
• It will save us $200, which would be awesome!
• We will still be able to work with our agency and orphanage, no matter what the new laws and changes are.
• We won't have to wait to see if IBESR opens back up on October 1.  Last time they closed on April 24 and were reset to open on June 1, which became August 14.
• It would just be a huge relief for us.

Thank you for being with us through this process, friends!

Not Going To Make It

A few months ago I told you about all the changes happening in Haiti in regard to adoption.  And how it seemed like we were on a deadline.

Well, IBESR did open back up on August 15.  At the time they opened they said they would be open for 1 month and then close again.  September 15 became our new deadline.

It seemed possible that we could make that deadline.  Little Guy's dossier was almost done.  Ours just had to go to the consulate and be mailed to Haiti for first legalization, whatever that is.

It's been 2 weeks and our dossier hasn't reached Haiti yet, which means we aren't going to make it.  What does that mean?  There are a lot of potentials, but we don't really know yet.

The government of Haiti says they will close on September 15 and re-open on October 1, implementing new laws.  Supposedly they are only going to work with certain agencies, raise their fees and change some of the laws about the adoption process, including only allowing adoption of children over the age of 1 and not allowing the birth and adoptive parents to interact with one another.  But we have to wait and see.  Please pray with us as we wait.  Waiting for something like this is so hard.

Our prayer requests.....

1. For Little Guy to be safe and healthy.
2. For our dossier to get to Haiti quickly and safely.
3. For Haiti to accept our agency on it's list of agencies to work with.
4. For our dossier to get into IBESR quickly.

That's a pretty good start.  :) Thank you, friends.

He Was There

Remember how I said that I couldn't pray for a little boy to get to one of the orphanages so we could adopt him?

And remember how it was going to be another 2-10 months, minimum, before we would receive our referral?

That was all wrong.

:)

Our little boy was there the entire time.

Little Boy (what we're going to call him here) was there all the time.

A lot of changes have been happening in Haiti and after the last "announcement" of changes we received a phone call from our agency on a Tuesday.  Never happened before.  We haven't gotten a phone call from them yet and the person we've been working with doesn't work on Tuesdays.

So when I got a phone call saying, "Karyn, call me back.  I need you to call me back today" on a TUESDAY, I was sure it was over for us.

Instead what I heard was, "I think we have a little boy for you."

Husband and I listened on speakerphone as we learned about 1 minute of information about a little guy who one day could become our son.  And we received a handful of pictures.

That's the information you receive when you get your referral, or child match.  And you need to decide.

This decision felt easy for us.  A couple of months ago we were told about 2 little guys that had significant medical needs and a set of siblings.  We prayed and thought and cried and prayed some more, but there just wasn't any peace with any of those children, as horrible as that sounds, and as horrible as it is even for me to type.

We didn't feel like God had called us to any of those children. 

But, we feel He's calling us to this one.

This could still fall apart for many different reasons.  Some of those reasons I know right now.  Some of them I'll learn in the future.  Some I may never know.  It's scary.

But, I have to trust that God did indeed give us the right referral at the right time and I'm going to trust that He will get us through if it doesn't work out, for any reason.

Right now we are joyful.  We have a picture to look at and a name to pray for and an orphanage to focus on.  We have specific prayers we can pray for his health and safety, that will apply whether or not he ever gets here.  We have someone to look forward to meeting.  And that is wonderful.

"He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist, as even some of your own poets have said, ‘For we also are His children.’" (Acts 17).

An Honest Post

When we first started the dossier process a friend of mine told me to be ready for surprises.

What?  The dossier part is supposed to be very straight forward and simple.  You have to wait on things, but we had a beautiful list to check off as things happened.

I kept myself organized with a binder and notecard system, checking things off and arranging note cards based on what had happened and needed to happen.

Thing that needed to happen - date applied for that thing - when it was mailed, notarized and complete.  Straight forward right?

Yep.

Until we had our water checked and had to shock our well.  What??

And until our clearances were lost between issue and notarization.

And when our fingerprints were lost in the mail.

And when I drove the wrong thing 10 hours to be certified, just to have to go back the following week to do it again.

Surprises.

But, a surprise I didn't expect was the spiritual attack we would experience through the process.

Every time something significant was to happen with our dossier something would come up in our home to throw a major wrench in things.  That was very unexpected.

Every little thing that has ever been an issue in the last 11 years of our marriage has reared its ugly head in the last few months.  That has been the hardest part.  Just when Husband and I should be working together it felt like we were being torn apart.  That was very unexpected.

When you look at adoption timelines, people kind of breeze past the dossier part.  That could be completely legitimate.  I've heard pretty much all bad things about the next part of this process - the endless waiting.  But this has been challenging in its own right.

I didn't expect to relive my past, but autobiographies and home studies will do that to you - and put it on paper.  As much as I've/we've done to work through all the things that have needed worked on, when it comes up again, it's still difficult to experience and it almost feels like you're going through those parts of life again that you wish you could forget. 

I'm grateful though.  Grateful that its out of our hands at the time being.  I know my desire for control is only going to want to have it back in my hands in the next few months, but for now I'm thankful to be able to think about ANYTHING other than the dossier and what I need to be doing with it.  I'm grateful for that sense of relief.

Confusing Prayers

Our part is done!!!!  (We hope! :))

Our completed dossier has reached our agency and hopefully our application has reached immigration for our government.

We will learn in the next 9-11 business days if our dossier is indeed complete and right.  I sure hope it is!

What's next?

We wait for our referral, or the match of our child with us.  At some point we will receive a file of a child in one of the orphanages our agency works with and we'll be able to review it and make a decision.

It's been 3 months since we started the process and a little boy 2 and under has yet to reach either of the orpahanges.

What is confusing is what to do about that.

How do you pray for a little boy to arrive to an orphanage to be adopted out of his home country?

I can't do it.

Instead I've been praying for the right referral at the right time.  That if there is a child who NEEDS to be adopted out, that he will find his way to one of the orphanages somehow.

Thank you for joining us in prayer right now!  We'll keep you posted as to how things are going on our side as well as how things are looking in Haiti as more information becomes available.

Love,
Karyn

It Happened Again Today.....And IBESR Update

It happened again.

Something beyond coincidence.

I shared with you the story of our police clearances and psychiatric evaluation yesterday.  Here are a couple things about yesterday that I didn't mention.

We started sending in our clearances and such the end of April.  A couple of them hadn't reached us yet and I couldn't understand why.  The day before our home study, I called to find out what was happening and it turned out our clearances were lost between approval and notarization.  The man on the other end of the phone promised me he would send them out by last Friday or yesterday.

In the meantime I had applied for my passport and that hadn't come yet.  Last week I received a letter saying my name was incorrect and I needed to have my license changed to reflect my name.  What had taken weeks for me to accomplish when I needed to change my address on my license took less than an hour for the name change because it turns out you can go to the DMV and have it done while you wait!  Husband sent it in that evening.  I figured it would have gotten there sometime in the course of the next week.

Yesterday everything that was left arrived.  And our mail came early.

Which is what prompted me to call our agency and find out if anything had changed in Haiti, which is when I started learning that MANY things were changing in Haiti.

Last night I started going through everything to make sure it was ready when the time came.  I remembered that the notary wasn't quite right on my physical exam form.  My physician personally had the form notarized in his free time with a lawyer's office (I thought) in the same plaza as his office.  I called my doctor's office today to find out for sure though.  They wouldn't let me leave a message for my doctor and said they couldn't help me.  So, I drove down there.  Lawyer's office was closed.

I marched all three kids into the next office building to find out where Edgar Snyder went!  "Oh, they moved about a month ago.  Why?"  I explained the situation.  Well, that particular person told me she had just received an email from a friend of hers that morning who had adopted and said how wonderful adoption.  Then she told me she'd pray for me.  I'll take it!  She told me where they had moved.  I called.  "Nope.  Never heard of the guy."

I googled the notary's name, looked in the phone book, looked in the directory of notaries.  Couldn't find the guy anywhere.  Out of frustration, I finally called the doctor's office again and got a different person.  10 minutes later, they were able to tell me that the notary was at a bank across town.  Across town!!  So, I called the bank to see if he was in before I drug the kids there.  Here is what the woman said to me.....

"Well, its a good thing you called today because he is here for a half day tomorrow and then he's retiring."

WHAT??????  I caught the guy with less than a day's work left.  Can you believe that?

Act of God?  That's what I'm calling it!

I needed that today.

So, update.....

The Senate did ratify yesterday.  I'm not sure what that means yet.  We haven't heard anything from our agency today.  From what it sounds like there is a window of about 3 months.  For us, about 7 months of work has to happen in that three month window, so I'm continuing to ask for your prayers in this - that His will would be done and we would walk in it.  Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us.

Love,
Karyn

Prayer

Have I told you about Barb?

A few years ago my husband decided he wanted to talk to a financial planner to make sure we were doing what we needed to in order to prepare well for retirement and college for the kids. I thought it was ridiculous at the time. Not because I didn't respect his ideas, but because that seemed like too far in the future to be planning for already.

We started working with John and his wife, Barb, to develop a reasonable budget for our very long term plans. Adoption was no where near our radar at the time.

When we went to get our taxes done this year we were applying to our agency at the same time. We had to have our application notarized, so we asked if anyone in the office was able to do that. Barb, John's wife, happily notarized our application. She was so sweet - asked us great questions and was so excited for us to begin the process.

When we received the list of items we were going to need for our dossier, we saw that everything and its mother needed to be notarized. Husband called Barb to see if we could hire her to be our official adoption notary. "Hire?", she asked? "Oh no, I'll do it for free. Just consider it part of our ministry. We're so excited for you." Tremendous blessing.

We're meeting with Barb tomorrow to have the last of our documents notarized. When I called to schedule with her today I told her it would be the last time we'd be visiting for this project. She said, "When will you get to meet your child?". I explained to her what is happening in Haiti right now and told her that if this all works out, from Haiti, it will be.......and started crying. She finished for me.

"An act of God." Yes.

She said, "Can I pray for you now?" So,she prayed.

It is amazing blessings like that that will keep encouraging our hearts to keep moving forward,even though it looks impossible. I do believe, that if this works out, it will only be because God allowed to. Thank you, all, for the prayers you have lifted up for us in the last day. We are so grateful and it makes a huge difference.

Love,
Karyn

The Fears and Blessings of Adoption

A couple of weeks after we mailed our application and first fee to our adoption agency Haiti stopped accepting dossiers until June 1.  That changed to July 20 in a week.  Today I heard that August 1 is the new date.

I hadn't heard that from our agency, so I started researching what was happening with IBESR and learned that the Senate in Haiti may ratify the Hague Convention Agreement today.  For the children of Haiti, that is good and bad. It's good because that means the adoption process will be ethical and safe when all the policies are in place.  It's bad because ratification usually results in stopping adoptions altogether until the country is in complete agreement with the Hague Convention standards.  It took the United States 15 years to accomplish that.

Obviously my heart is wondering if that means that our fears clear back in April are going to come true after all.

Our agency told us to go ahead and compile our dossier, which we have done.  When I called today to ask if we should stop they said to keep going.

We have 2 steps left.

Our first home study visit happened last week.  Our last home study visit will be in a week.  We are less than 24 hours from having all the papers we need to have completed done - and notarized.  All we have left is to get the home study report and have all of our notarized documents certified.  We're still about 6 weeks away from being finished, but we're close.

So, here's the potential timeline.....

Our goal is to have our dossier mailed to our agency by mid-July (1 month).  It will take 1-3 months to receive a referral, at least and then 1-3 months to have our child's file completed.  At that time our files will join to one big file and enter IBESR.  We're  about 3-7 months away from being in what you might call the "safe zone".  Usually, once countries ratify the Hague, dossiers already in process are grandfathered in and moved through.  So our goal was to get into IBESR prior to the ratification process.

If the Senate does indeed ratify today, it will be 1-3 months (potentially) before adoptions will cease.

Here's what I don't get.......

We've had so many confirmations, both good and bad, about adopting.

Here's the biggest one yet.

Adoption is flipping expensive.

We are supposed to have a psychiatrist evaluation completed for our dossier.  If we couldn't find a psychiatrist for whatever reason, it was okay to have a psychologist complete the evaluation instead.  When we talked to a friend of ours, who is a psychologist, he basically said, "Good luck.  Everyone is booked up for months.  If you can find someone to do it, just get it done."  So, I started making calls.

One psychiatrist told us it would cost us $300 for the evaluation and $400 for the letter.  Another told us $300 for both.  When we asked our friend who was "better", we were told that the second was a better psychiatrist, so to go with him.   We scheduled.

The evaluation was scheduled to happen a couple of weeks ago.  I was a nervous wreck about it because there are things about my life that are not pleasant to talk about and I was afraid of how those things would be looked at.

A friend of ours offered to watch Little Miss - for free - in the middle of the day - while we went to the evaluation.

We could NOT find a parking space and being good debit card customers, we didn't have any cash on us at all for meters, so we resigned ourselves to just have to pay for a parking ticket.  As we walked to the office, we found  a parking lot right next to the office building where we could park for free - for as long as we needed to.

The psychiatrist was the nicest guy.  He was very normal!  :)  He asked pertinent and interesting questions about why we wanted to adopt - and why from Haiti.  He found out all the crap I wasn't excited to share at all and was very empathetic and supportive.  We spent about an hour with him.

He had asked how we wanted to pay when we first went in and we had said we wanted to just pay outright - that there was no medical need for the evaluation and that our insurance really had no need to pay for the evaluation because we were asking for the evaluation for solely personal purposes.

He finished the evaluation and completed the letter right in front of us.

When we went to leave we stopped at the desk to pay and he walked passed us and said, "No.  There's no charge.  Just.....good luck."  Husband's jaw dropped, as did mine.  We just stood there looking at him - in disbelief.  We argued with him and offered to pay, again.  We took up his time and valued that and wanted him to know.  He wouldn't accept.

We got in the car, stunned.  This man had just saved us hundreds of dollars.

Here's another one.

A couple of weeks before that we needed to get police clearances from our county.  When I called, I spoke to a woman who took down all the information we needed for our letters.  I asked her when she thought she might be finished with the letters, she said, "a couple of hours?"  I called the woman who has offered to notarize all our documents to see if she could meet me there and she said, "How about 1:00?"  Seriously?  From the time I called until the time it was finished was a mere 4 hours.  While Little Miss was in school.

It seems like within the last week, all the things we have been waiting on were finally getting to us.  And all at the same time.  It felt like things were coming together.

And then our news today.

I'm not sure what to think.  If you think of us, please keep those prayers coming and we'll keep you posted.

Love,
Karyn

On My Heart

I read somewhere that if your heart is aching during a particular time prior to receiving your referral, you should pay attention and pray even more.

A friend asked me last week how I was feeling about our adoption process.  I told her I felt like I was "playing adoption" because it just didn't feel like it was real or ever going to happen.  I don't know what happened, but just a couple of days later, our little boy started being heavy on my heart.  I'm thinking of him a lot.

I read a story about how a woman was just aching one particular week as they were waiting for their referral.  Months later they found out that was the very week their future child was taken into the orphanage.

I don't know if there is anything specific happening in our child's life right now, but I'm going to pray harder this week.  This could be nothing, but it could be something.  We'll see.

In other news, we're still moving forward.  We have our first home study visit scheduled!!  And Justin's birth certificate finally arrived!  We think that within a couple of weeks we'll have our part completely done and will just need to wait on the home study to be finished, which will be a huge mile marker for us.  So, we're working and praying.

Thank you, friends, for praying with us.

Love,
Karyn

Prayers for Our Child

When we first started considering adoption, I thought of it in happy terms.

"There is a baby who needs a family.  We want a baby."  Happy.

But there's another side of this that I hadn't considered until I started reading 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Parents Knew.

The side of grief.

The child that we will adopt has been abandoned.  Abandoned through death or poverty.  He isn't about to go to an orphanage or in an orphanage right now for happy reasons.  He is there because he has been given up because his parents couldn't afford to feed him or his parents have died.  His parents could be doing the most loving and most brave thing in the world for him by placing him in an orphanage to be adopted to the United States, but it won't be happy or easy.

If my husband and I passed away right now, our children would technically be abandoned.  But, we already know that they would go to a couple we love dearly who would take such good care of and love them.

But it wouldn't be happy for a while.

So, if you're praying for this child, as we are, please pray with us that he will know our Savior's love, when he is taken to the orphanage and as he is waiting for us, and that he will be able to embrace our love when the time comes.