the time since we arrived to the airport on July 11, 2014 until now has not been at all what i expected.
i did not expect Little Guy to not talk to us for the first three weeks. i
didn’t expect the joy in his eyes at being told no, the lack of empathy
when he hurt someone, the raw and primitive desire he had to be in
control of EVERYTHING in his environment. i didn’t expect the hyper
vigilance, the panic, the fear. i didn’t expect him to reject us and try
to hurt us and push us away. i didn't expect RAD. i didn’t expect my
own history of pain to be brought up and relived through his pain. i
didn’t expect to see my own hyper vigilance.
i didn’t expect to lose 4 of the dearest friendships i thought i’d ever have.
i didn’t expect to be diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks after we got home.
i didn’t expect to leave our church home, that we have been a part of and figured we’d stay forever at, since moving here.
and i didn’t expect the anger toward all the factors that caused all
those things. my sin. other’s sin. stupid choices. the fact that we are
just fallen.
i didn’t expect these things either:
our marriage to grow.
friends, one a continent away, another 15 minutes away, who would drop
everything when I was truly at the end of my rope. the one who was able
to sit with me until it was safe not to.
new friends that can
deal with and hear all the “hard” i can spew out. and who spew it back.
people who would reach out in ways we didn’t expect - dinners out,
taking the kids out, phone calls, texts, messages, meals, countless
prayers.
to be welcomed into a group of adoptive mommas who would
know in advance how stinking hard this would be and be there for every
comment, every fear, if only virtually.
friends, who i have
either never met in person or have spent very little time with, to be
able to be there, truly, when life was falling apart. and somehow, love
well, even from afar.
to grow more in love and appreciation of the children we had before Little Guy was here.
to need to walk in humility to our children’s teachers to ask them to
keep an eye out to make sure our kiddos were okay, along with us,
because we were so overwhelmed. and to be understood and treated with
grace and compassion in return.
very little, if anything, is the
same as it was a year ago at this time. it brings an unsettling
realization that life goes on no matter what is happening in my life,
but it also brings peace that life does indeed keep going, even when
you’re sure it can’t.
what i’ve learned....
that
relationships are often cyclical. i hate that, but it is good to know
that things can cycle back. just because they get off track doesn’t mean
they’ll stay that way.
that it is okay to admit your own
weaknesses. to be vulnerable. i have never cried like i did that one
weekend in february when i was ready to end it all. and i will never
again judge the emotions of anyone who considers suicide. because when
you’re at the point of ending it all, there is no more judgement, there
is no selfishness. it only makes sense. it actually feels like the right
thing to do. and you truly can’t think of anyone to call. i was able to
reach out to 2 women and they treated me with love and acceptance,
despite all the things i was thinking, all the things i believed, all of
my questions.
i have never been as vulnerable with people as i
have in the past 8 months. admitting how terrible life felt, sobbing on
the phone, even. you know what their response has been, in almost every
circumstance? acceptance. and vulnerability back. when life feels like
it is ending you just can’t put up a front anymore and it really seems
to lower everyone else’s. i mean, no one, not a single person, could
come to our house or look at me, and think everything was all together.
so, they didn’t act like they had it all together, either. it was,
shockingly, the most freeing thing. and i expected the exact opposite.
what i need to learn....
compassion. hurts die hard in my heart. i need to find a softened heart.
self worth. this is a blazing sign in front of me almost all the time. i am so insecure. and it isn’t doing me any favors.
who God really is. i’ve created this entity in my mind that God can not be if the Bible is true at all. i need to learn who He is and worship that instead of what I have made Him out to be.
this isn’t about to be wrapped up with a pretty little bow. it is a “to
be continued” story. i don’t know what is next, how long it will be
until our next rut (no, i wouldn’t say we are out of the one we found
ourselves in in july), or what i’m going to face that is, again,
unexpected. i am working on not being afraid of what is next. but,
somehow i’m grateful for all this and i didn’t expect that, either.
