Radical Waiting

The process from dating to engagement was not what you'd call "happy" in my relationship with my husband. I pushed beyond what I ever should have for that "final decision" and have lived to regret it even these years later. Not because we made the wrong decision, but it was made in the wrong way.

Have you ever heard that history repeats itself?

Well, it's repeating itself.

I'm ready for something my husband is not ready for. I'm ready to make a decision, even though I feel a lack of peace in my heart. So, I guess I'm not ready, I just want to take the weight of indecision off.

He's not ready at all to make any decision in the direction I want him to.

So, instead of letting the tension continue to mount, I'm going to step back.

And wait.

And today that is the most radical thing I can do.

Can you relate? Have you ever chosen to push ahead even when you didn't feel peaceful? Or have you waited? Please share your experience.

Radical

Just want to share with you why the book we're reading is more than likely going to change our lives. Have you read it?

Considering Adoption

A year ago adoption was no where near our radar. I mean NO where near.

But events and circumstances of the last month or so have made it very much ON the radar now.

But its so confusing and hard to know what to think. Especially when you're a fearful person like me.

When I found out I was pregnant with our kids I was thrilled - for one whole day. And then the fears started creeping in.

• What if I never get to sleep again?
• What if I miscarry?
• What if my children have special needs?
• What will happen to my marriage?

On and on......

When I think of adoption I really want to do it. The time span from joy to fear is faster though depending on the day. The adoption fears go something more like this......

• What if I never get to sleep again? (Can you tell sleep is a priority to me?)
• What if it doesn't work out and I've invested myself emotionally and financially?
• What if I can't handle the special needs of our new child?
• How will our biological children handle it? (See, I'm learning the lingo, even!)
• What will happen to my marriage?
• Will I love them anywhere near as much as I love my biological children?
• What will I be completely floored by?
• What if I can't love them like they deserve to be loved? I mean, I love my kids, but I am a broken, flawed, selfish person.

There is so much to consider. Ultimately though is the question, is this something God has for us? Does He want us to adopt? Because just like He answered all those questions and fears I had about our biological children, I believe He will answer the questions and fears about our adoptive child/ren if that is what He has for us.

And I know I just have to wait on this one.

Here's hoping I don't have a nervous breakdown in the process.

Tailgating and Jesus

I'm ashamed to say it, but I think the most radical change in my life that is needed at this point is simply loving people.

I'm not good at that.

People frustrate me. When they look straight through me instead of saying hello, when I'm treated like I'm invisible at the grocery store, when people are driving so. very. slow. Frustrating.

My patience just diminishes.

I've been reading Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. It has been perspective changing to say the least. In light of the ideas and thoughts she proposes, I've tried something different in the last couple of days.

Instead of thinking "What Would Jesus Do?", which is only more frustrating to me since I'll NEVER be like that, I'm thinking, "What if that was Jesus?"

What if that dude, traveling 35 mph in a 55 were Jesus. Would I be tailgating him? If the person at the grocery store nearly ran into me with their cart, while making eye contact with me, would I play chicken and refuse to move if it was Jesus?

I think its valid because we're all image bearers of Christ. And It says, "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine you did for Me." (Matthew 25:40).

Perspective change.

I think its going to be good for me. Not so good for my chicken game.

Something's Changing

I keep saying these words to my husband. "Something's changing. I can feel something changing."

I find it interesting, to say the least, in a look back, even over the last 2 years, how things in our lives have been woven together to take a completely different direction than either of us ever thought life would.

Some background......

My husband and I met in college and married a year after he graduated. Yes, I'm older. Lucky guy! ;)

I went to school to be an occupational therapist and I could never find a connection with it. I could never find peace in my job. I knew I didn't want to continue working when and if we had children. It just didn't fit me. But I couldn't find anything else that did either.

We had our son - Mr. Man, as I'm going to call him. (Enough of our lives are online, as you'll see in a moment, that I don't need to reveal all the details of our family, just to honor the privacy of my husband and children.) I quit working and started praying about what I would do when someday he would go to school. Girly Girl came next followed almost immediately thereafter by Little Miss.

Life was crazy. Three kids in 4 years. Things were busy. Things were tight, but we were making it.

March ahead 6 years and I decide I want to start a hobby - just a simple online business as a result of finding out that you can shop AND help people. Delicate Fortress Creations was born.

What started as a hobby became a very busy business, albiet seasonally. The things we have learned as a result of that business, the ways our life started taking us, felt more like a whirlwind than the settled feeling I was expecting when 2 out of 3 children had embarked upon their school careers.

The whirlwind of that change has prepared me for what I feel is changing now.

We are feeling called, prompted to do more. To stop being so comfortable.

My husband has a good job, for which I am very thankful. As a result of what we've been given there, we live a very comfortable life.

But something doesn't feel right.

Because I'm beginning to depend on that comfort.

And that's not what He has called me to do.

He has called me to follow Him - with all of me. To pick up my cross. To seek after Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. How can I do that if I'm too busy being comfortable in my own little life.

As time goes on I'm finding myself becoming quickly angered by the smallest, simplest things. I'm finding myself filled with envy that I didn't anticipate. I'm finding myself yearning for more.

But I think I want different more. I want Him more.

And this is a chronicle of the journey we haven't yet taken, out of our comfort zones and into finding what's beyond.