It's funny. I haven't written in almost two months, but when I opened this blog up, the last post I wrote about was seeing things dimly. I'm still feeling that way, although now I can see back, even dimly, to the potential purpose of what was behind this summer.
This has been one of the hardest times in our marriage - this summer. It has seemed like every single issue we have had for the past 11 years has come right to the forefront. Not because we were looking for it or because those same issues came up again, but it sincerely felt like God was dragging them up out of no where, handing them to us and saying, "Here. Work on this. I want it gone."
What has bothered me about all of this is the why. Why is this coming up now? Why do we have to hurt over this again? Why can't we just be happy right now? I thought things were okay.
But, God needed Husband and I to get to a place we weren't prepared for and He did that by weeding out that which would have only entangled us in the last few weeks.
I'm grateful for that, but I'm not exactly excited to go through it again. Because I know it will happen again. There is always something that needs weeded out of my life. I truly see my sin always before me lately and I have a feeling that isn't going to stop - mostly because I keep asking Him to help me know what He wants in my life. And I think He'll keep answering.
I feel as though your prayers in our lives are so needed right now. I feel vulnerable to what might come next and scared that I won't be able to handle it.
At the same time, I'm thankful to know that He is there. He is present and He gives me what I need exactly when I need it. I know He is faithful, even when I doubt Him, even when things are hard. And I'm grateful.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Oh, So Dimly
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Why ask a God I'm unsure of for things that I want when I don't know how He'll answer. Perhaps He'll say no, or worse, seemingly take away that which I want, thereby clouding my view of Him as a loving, compassionate God even more. I'm not talking about houses and cars. I'm talking about something as "simple" as understanding His will.
Why ask an ever present, all holy God about things that I can't begin to understand or fathom.
God is confusing to me. I don't feel at all certain about how He feels about me because my experience of His love for me has always been contingent on my experience of His response, or lack thereof, to my prayers, instead of what the Bible says - what He says - is true.
I don't usually take comfort in the cloudy view I have of God. It's faded, distant and inaccurate.
And that's how I see Him in prayer.
The God I "see" is not ever going to be an accurate representation of what He's doing or who He is in my life.
I see orphans in Haiti and I wonder how God can watch them be abandoned and suffer. I see trafficking happen to 14 year old girls and I cringe at the thought that God isn't obviously stepping in. I see parents leaving behind children much too early, illness ravage children's bodies, parents lose children before they even got to know who they were.
And God becomes cloudier still.
But there is some comfort in knowing that I'm seeing things through a cloudy perspective. I know I am not seeing Him clearly and the perceptions I have of Him are not accurate either. They are at least as cloudy.
So like loving someone despite the feelings that do or don't exist, simply because you're committed to them, even if I don't feel safe trusting in Him today, I decide to do it anyway.
Because someday it will be clear. It will be as clear has He sees me even now. He sees me oh so clearly. He knows my heart. He knows what I need. He knows what you need. He SEES us. And He's got us in His hands.
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
An Honest Post
When we first started the dossier process a friend of mine told me to be ready for surprises.
What? The dossier part is supposed to be very straight forward and simple. You have to wait on things, but we had a beautiful list to check off as things happened.
I kept myself organized with a binder and notecard system, checking things off and arranging note cards based on what had happened and needed to happen.
Thing that needed to happen - date applied for that thing - when it was mailed, notarized and complete. Straight forward right?
Yep.
Until we had our water checked and had to shock our well. What??
And until our clearances were lost between issue and notarization.
And when our fingerprints were lost in the mail.
And when I drove the wrong thing 10 hours to be certified, just to have to go back the following week to do it again.
Surprises.
But, a surprise I didn't expect was the spiritual attack we would experience through the process.
Every time something significant was to happen with our dossier something would come up in our home to throw a major wrench in things. That was very unexpected.
Every little thing that has ever been an issue in the last 11 years of our marriage has reared its ugly head in the last few months. That has been the hardest part. Just when Husband and I should be working together it felt like we were being torn apart. That was very unexpected.
When you look at adoption timelines, people kind of breeze past the dossier part. That could be completely legitimate. I've heard pretty much all bad things about the next part of this process - the endless waiting. But this has been challenging in its own right.
I didn't expect to relive my past, but autobiographies and home studies will do that to you - and put it on paper. As much as I've/we've done to work through all the things that have needed worked on, when it comes up again, it's still difficult to experience and it almost feels like you're going through those parts of life again that you wish you could forget.
I'm grateful though. Grateful that its out of our hands at the time being. I know my desire for control is only going to want to have it back in my hands in the next few months, but for now I'm thankful to be able to think about ANYTHING other than the dossier and what I need to be doing with it. I'm grateful for that sense of relief.
What? The dossier part is supposed to be very straight forward and simple. You have to wait on things, but we had a beautiful list to check off as things happened.
I kept myself organized with a binder and notecard system, checking things off and arranging note cards based on what had happened and needed to happen.
Thing that needed to happen - date applied for that thing - when it was mailed, notarized and complete. Straight forward right?
Yep.
Until we had our water checked and had to shock our well. What??
And until our clearances were lost between issue and notarization.
And when our fingerprints were lost in the mail.
And when I drove the wrong thing 10 hours to be certified, just to have to go back the following week to do it again.
Surprises.
But, a surprise I didn't expect was the spiritual attack we would experience through the process.
Every time something significant was to happen with our dossier something would come up in our home to throw a major wrench in things. That was very unexpected.
Every little thing that has ever been an issue in the last 11 years of our marriage has reared its ugly head in the last few months. That has been the hardest part. Just when Husband and I should be working together it felt like we were being torn apart. That was very unexpected.
When you look at adoption timelines, people kind of breeze past the dossier part. That could be completely legitimate. I've heard pretty much all bad things about the next part of this process - the endless waiting. But this has been challenging in its own right.
I didn't expect to relive my past, but autobiographies and home studies will do that to you - and put it on paper. As much as I've/we've done to work through all the things that have needed worked on, when it comes up again, it's still difficult to experience and it almost feels like you're going through those parts of life again that you wish you could forget.
I'm grateful though. Grateful that its out of our hands at the time being. I know my desire for control is only going to want to have it back in my hands in the next few months, but for now I'm thankful to be able to think about ANYTHING other than the dossier and what I need to be doing with it. I'm grateful for that sense of relief.
Confusing Prayers
Our part is done!!!! (We hope! :))
Our completed dossier has reached our agency and hopefully our application has reached immigration for our government.
We will learn in the next 9-11 business days if our dossier is indeed complete and right. I sure hope it is!
What's next?
We wait for our referral, or the match of our child with us. At some point we will receive a file of a child in one of the orphanages our agency works with and we'll be able to review it and make a decision.
It's been 3 months since we started the process and a little boy 2 and under has yet to reach either of the orpahanges.
What is confusing is what to do about that.
How do you pray for a little boy to arrive to an orphanage to be adopted out of his home country?
I can't do it.
Instead I've been praying for the right referral at the right time. That if there is a child who NEEDS to be adopted out, that he will find his way to one of the orphanages somehow.
Thank you for joining us in prayer right now! We'll keep you posted as to how things are going on our side as well as how things are looking in Haiti as more information becomes available.
Love,
Karyn
Our completed dossier has reached our agency and hopefully our application has reached immigration for our government.
We will learn in the next 9-11 business days if our dossier is indeed complete and right. I sure hope it is!
What's next?
We wait for our referral, or the match of our child with us. At some point we will receive a file of a child in one of the orphanages our agency works with and we'll be able to review it and make a decision.
It's been 3 months since we started the process and a little boy 2 and under has yet to reach either of the orpahanges.
What is confusing is what to do about that.
How do you pray for a little boy to arrive to an orphanage to be adopted out of his home country?
I can't do it.
Instead I've been praying for the right referral at the right time. That if there is a child who NEEDS to be adopted out, that he will find his way to one of the orphanages somehow.
Thank you for joining us in prayer right now! We'll keep you posted as to how things are going on our side as well as how things are looking in Haiti as more information becomes available.
Love,
Karyn
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
It Happened Again Today.....And IBESR Update
It happened again.
Something beyond coincidence.
I shared with you the story of our police clearances and psychiatric evaluation yesterday. Here are a couple things about yesterday that I didn't mention.
We started sending in our clearances and such the end of April. A couple of them hadn't reached us yet and I couldn't understand why. The day before our home study, I called to find out what was happening and it turned out our clearances were lost between approval and notarization. The man on the other end of the phone promised me he would send them out by last Friday or yesterday.
In the meantime I had applied for my passport and that hadn't come yet. Last week I received a letter saying my name was incorrect and I needed to have my license changed to reflect my name. What had taken weeks for me to accomplish when I needed to change my address on my license took less than an hour for the name change because it turns out you can go to the DMV and have it done while you wait! Husband sent it in that evening. I figured it would have gotten there sometime in the course of the next week.
Yesterday everything that was left arrived. And our mail came early.
Which is what prompted me to call our agency and find out if anything had changed in Haiti, which is when I started learning that MANY things were changing in Haiti.
Last night I started going through everything to make sure it was ready when the time came. I remembered that the notary wasn't quite right on my physical exam form. My physician personally had the form notarized in his free time with a lawyer's office (I thought) in the same plaza as his office. I called my doctor's office today to find out for sure though. They wouldn't let me leave a message for my doctor and said they couldn't help me. So, I drove down there. Lawyer's office was closed.
I marched all three kids into the next office building to find out where Edgar Snyder went! "Oh, they moved about a month ago. Why?" I explained the situation. Well, that particular person told me she had just received an email from a friend of hers that morning who had adopted and said how wonderful adoption. Then she told me she'd pray for me. I'll take it! She told me where they had moved. I called. "Nope. Never heard of the guy."
I googled the notary's name, looked in the phone book, looked in the directory of notaries. Couldn't find the guy anywhere. Out of frustration, I finally called the doctor's office again and got a different person. 10 minutes later, they were able to tell me that the notary was at a bank across town. Across town!! So, I called the bank to see if he was in before I drug the kids there. Here is what the woman said to me.....
"Well, its a good thing you called today because he is here for a half day tomorrow and then he's retiring."
WHAT?????? I caught the guy with less than a day's work left. Can you believe that?
Act of God? That's what I'm calling it!
I needed that today.
So, update.....
The Senate did ratify yesterday. I'm not sure what that means yet. We haven't heard anything from our agency today. From what it sounds like there is a window of about 3 months. For us, about 7 months of work has to happen in that three month window, so I'm continuing to ask for your prayers in this - that His will would be done and we would walk in it. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us.
Love,
Karyn
Something beyond coincidence.
I shared with you the story of our police clearances and psychiatric evaluation yesterday. Here are a couple things about yesterday that I didn't mention.
We started sending in our clearances and such the end of April. A couple of them hadn't reached us yet and I couldn't understand why. The day before our home study, I called to find out what was happening and it turned out our clearances were lost between approval and notarization. The man on the other end of the phone promised me he would send them out by last Friday or yesterday.
In the meantime I had applied for my passport and that hadn't come yet. Last week I received a letter saying my name was incorrect and I needed to have my license changed to reflect my name. What had taken weeks for me to accomplish when I needed to change my address on my license took less than an hour for the name change because it turns out you can go to the DMV and have it done while you wait! Husband sent it in that evening. I figured it would have gotten there sometime in the course of the next week.
Yesterday everything that was left arrived. And our mail came early.
Which is what prompted me to call our agency and find out if anything had changed in Haiti, which is when I started learning that MANY things were changing in Haiti.
Last night I started going through everything to make sure it was ready when the time came. I remembered that the notary wasn't quite right on my physical exam form. My physician personally had the form notarized in his free time with a lawyer's office (I thought) in the same plaza as his office. I called my doctor's office today to find out for sure though. They wouldn't let me leave a message for my doctor and said they couldn't help me. So, I drove down there. Lawyer's office was closed.
I marched all three kids into the next office building to find out where Edgar Snyder went! "Oh, they moved about a month ago. Why?" I explained the situation. Well, that particular person told me she had just received an email from a friend of hers that morning who had adopted and said how wonderful adoption. Then she told me she'd pray for me. I'll take it! She told me where they had moved. I called. "Nope. Never heard of the guy."
I googled the notary's name, looked in the phone book, looked in the directory of notaries. Couldn't find the guy anywhere. Out of frustration, I finally called the doctor's office again and got a different person. 10 minutes later, they were able to tell me that the notary was at a bank across town. Across town!! So, I called the bank to see if he was in before I drug the kids there. Here is what the woman said to me.....
"Well, its a good thing you called today because he is here for a half day tomorrow and then he's retiring."
WHAT?????? I caught the guy with less than a day's work left. Can you believe that?
Act of God? That's what I'm calling it!
I needed that today.
So, update.....
The Senate did ratify yesterday. I'm not sure what that means yet. We haven't heard anything from our agency today. From what it sounds like there is a window of about 3 months. For us, about 7 months of work has to happen in that three month window, so I'm continuing to ask for your prayers in this - that His will would be done and we would walk in it. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with us.
Love,
Karyn
Prayer
Have I told you about Barb?
A few years ago my husband decided he wanted to talk to a financial planner to make sure we were doing what we needed to in order to prepare well for retirement and college for the kids. I thought it was ridiculous at the time. Not because I didn't respect his ideas, but because that seemed like too far in the future to be planning for already.
We started working with John and his wife, Barb, to develop a reasonable budget for our very long term plans. Adoption was no where near our radar at the time.
When we went to get our taxes done this year we were applying to our agency at the same time. We had to have our application notarized, so we asked if anyone in the office was able to do that. Barb, John's wife, happily notarized our application. She was so sweet - asked us great questions and was so excited for us to begin the process.
When we received the list of items we were going to need for our dossier, we saw that everything and its mother needed to be notarized. Husband called Barb to see if we could hire her to be our official adoption notary. "Hire?", she asked? "Oh no, I'll do it for free. Just consider it part of our ministry. We're so excited for you." Tremendous blessing.
We're meeting with Barb tomorrow to have the last of our documents notarized. When I called to schedule with her today I told her it would be the last time we'd be visiting for this project. She said, "When will you get to meet your child?". I explained to her what is happening in Haiti right now and told her that if this all works out, from Haiti, it will be.......and started crying. She finished for me.
"An act of God." Yes.
She said, "Can I pray for you now?" So,she prayed.
It is amazing blessings like that that will keep encouraging our hearts to keep moving forward,even though it looks impossible. I do believe, that if this works out, it will only be because God allowed to. Thank you, all, for the prayers you have lifted up for us in the last day. We are so grateful and it makes a huge difference.
Love,
Karyn
A few years ago my husband decided he wanted to talk to a financial planner to make sure we were doing what we needed to in order to prepare well for retirement and college for the kids. I thought it was ridiculous at the time. Not because I didn't respect his ideas, but because that seemed like too far in the future to be planning for already.
We started working with John and his wife, Barb, to develop a reasonable budget for our very long term plans. Adoption was no where near our radar at the time.
When we went to get our taxes done this year we were applying to our agency at the same time. We had to have our application notarized, so we asked if anyone in the office was able to do that. Barb, John's wife, happily notarized our application. She was so sweet - asked us great questions and was so excited for us to begin the process.
When we received the list of items we were going to need for our dossier, we saw that everything and its mother needed to be notarized. Husband called Barb to see if we could hire her to be our official adoption notary. "Hire?", she asked? "Oh no, I'll do it for free. Just consider it part of our ministry. We're so excited for you." Tremendous blessing.
We're meeting with Barb tomorrow to have the last of our documents notarized. When I called to schedule with her today I told her it would be the last time we'd be visiting for this project. She said, "When will you get to meet your child?". I explained to her what is happening in Haiti right now and told her that if this all works out, from Haiti, it will be.......and started crying. She finished for me.
"An act of God." Yes.
She said, "Can I pray for you now?" So,she prayed.
It is amazing blessings like that that will keep encouraging our hearts to keep moving forward,even though it looks impossible. I do believe, that if this works out, it will only be because God allowed to. Thank you, all, for the prayers you have lifted up for us in the last day. We are so grateful and it makes a huge difference.
Love,
Karyn
Monday, June 11, 2012
The Fears and Blessings of Adoption
A couple of weeks after we mailed our application and first fee to our adoption agency Haiti stopped accepting dossiers until June 1. That changed to July 20 in a week. Today I heard that August 1 is the new date.
I hadn't heard that from our agency, so I started researching what was happening with IBESR and learned that the Senate in Haiti may ratify the Hague Convention Agreement today. For the children of Haiti, that is good and bad. It's good because that means the adoption process will be ethical and safe when all the policies are in place. It's bad because ratification usually results in stopping adoptions altogether until the country is in complete agreement with the Hague Convention standards. It took the United States 15 years to accomplish that.
Obviously my heart is wondering if that means that our fears clear back in April are going to come true after all.
Our agency told us to go ahead and compile our dossier, which we have done. When I called today to ask if we should stop they said to keep going.
We have 2 steps left.
Our first home study visit happened last week. Our last home study visit will be in a week. We are less than 24 hours from having all the papers we need to have completed done - and notarized. All we have left is to get the home study report and have all of our notarized documents certified. We're still about 6 weeks away from being finished, but we're close.
So, here's the potential timeline.....
Our goal is to have our dossier mailed to our agency by mid-July (1 month). It will take 1-3 months to receive a referral, at least and then 1-3 months to have our child's file completed. At that time our files will join to one big file and enter IBESR. We're about 3-7 months away from being in what you might call the "safe zone". Usually, once countries ratify the Hague, dossiers already in process are grandfathered in and moved through. So our goal was to get into IBESR prior to the ratification process.
If the Senate does indeed ratify today, it will be 1-3 months (potentially) before adoptions will cease.
Here's what I don't get.......
We've had so many confirmations, both good and bad, about adopting.
Here's the biggest one yet.
Adoption is flipping expensive.
We are supposed to have a psychiatrist evaluation completed for our dossier. If we couldn't find a psychiatrist for whatever reason, it was okay to have a psychologist complete the evaluation instead. When we talked to a friend of ours, who is a psychologist, he basically said, "Good luck. Everyone is booked up for months. If you can find someone to do it, just get it done." So, I started making calls.
One psychiatrist told us it would cost us $300 for the evaluation and $400 for the letter. Another told us $300 for both. When we asked our friend who was "better", we were told that the second was a better psychiatrist, so to go with him. We scheduled.
The evaluation was scheduled to happen a couple of weeks ago. I was a nervous wreck about it because there are things about my life that are not pleasant to talk about and I was afraid of how those things would be looked at.
A friend of ours offered to watch Little Miss - for free - in the middle of the day - while we went to the evaluation.
We could NOT find a parking space and being good debit card customers, we didn't have any cash on us at all for meters, so we resigned ourselves to just have to pay for a parking ticket. As we walked to the office, we found a parking lot right next to the office building where we could park for free - for as long as we needed to.
The psychiatrist was the nicest guy. He was very normal! :) He asked pertinent and interesting questions about why we wanted to adopt - and why from Haiti. He found out all the crap I wasn't excited to share at all and was very empathetic and supportive. We spent about an hour with him.
He had asked how we wanted to pay when we first went in and we had said we wanted to just pay outright - that there was no medical need for the evaluation and that our insurance really had no need to pay for the evaluation because we were asking for the evaluation for solely personal purposes.
He finished the evaluation and completed the letter right in front of us.
When we went to leave we stopped at the desk to pay and he walked passed us and said, "No. There's no charge. Just.....good luck." Husband's jaw dropped, as did mine. We just stood there looking at him - in disbelief. We argued with him and offered to pay, again. We took up his time and valued that and wanted him to know. He wouldn't accept.
We got in the car, stunned. This man had just saved us hundreds of dollars.
Here's another one.
A couple of weeks before that we needed to get police clearances from our county. When I called, I spoke to a woman who took down all the information we needed for our letters. I asked her when she thought she might be finished with the letters, she said, "a couple of hours?" I called the woman who has offered to notarize all our documents to see if she could meet me there and she said, "How about 1:00?" Seriously? From the time I called until the time it was finished was a mere 4 hours. While Little Miss was in school.
It seems like within the last week, all the things we have been waiting on were finally getting to us. And all at the same time. It felt like things were coming together.
And then our news today.
I'm not sure what to think. If you think of us, please keep those prayers coming and we'll keep you posted.
Love,
Karyn
I hadn't heard that from our agency, so I started researching what was happening with IBESR and learned that the Senate in Haiti may ratify the Hague Convention Agreement today. For the children of Haiti, that is good and bad. It's good because that means the adoption process will be ethical and safe when all the policies are in place. It's bad because ratification usually results in stopping adoptions altogether until the country is in complete agreement with the Hague Convention standards. It took the United States 15 years to accomplish that.
Obviously my heart is wondering if that means that our fears clear back in April are going to come true after all.
Our agency told us to go ahead and compile our dossier, which we have done. When I called today to ask if we should stop they said to keep going.
We have 2 steps left.
Our first home study visit happened last week. Our last home study visit will be in a week. We are less than 24 hours from having all the papers we need to have completed done - and notarized. All we have left is to get the home study report and have all of our notarized documents certified. We're still about 6 weeks away from being finished, but we're close.
So, here's the potential timeline.....
Our goal is to have our dossier mailed to our agency by mid-July (1 month). It will take 1-3 months to receive a referral, at least and then 1-3 months to have our child's file completed. At that time our files will join to one big file and enter IBESR. We're about 3-7 months away from being in what you might call the "safe zone". Usually, once countries ratify the Hague, dossiers already in process are grandfathered in and moved through. So our goal was to get into IBESR prior to the ratification process.
If the Senate does indeed ratify today, it will be 1-3 months (potentially) before adoptions will cease.
Here's what I don't get.......
We've had so many confirmations, both good and bad, about adopting.
Here's the biggest one yet.
Adoption is flipping expensive.
We are supposed to have a psychiatrist evaluation completed for our dossier. If we couldn't find a psychiatrist for whatever reason, it was okay to have a psychologist complete the evaluation instead. When we talked to a friend of ours, who is a psychologist, he basically said, "Good luck. Everyone is booked up for months. If you can find someone to do it, just get it done." So, I started making calls.
One psychiatrist told us it would cost us $300 for the evaluation and $400 for the letter. Another told us $300 for both. When we asked our friend who was "better", we were told that the second was a better psychiatrist, so to go with him. We scheduled.
The evaluation was scheduled to happen a couple of weeks ago. I was a nervous wreck about it because there are things about my life that are not pleasant to talk about and I was afraid of how those things would be looked at.
A friend of ours offered to watch Little Miss - for free - in the middle of the day - while we went to the evaluation.
We could NOT find a parking space and being good debit card customers, we didn't have any cash on us at all for meters, so we resigned ourselves to just have to pay for a parking ticket. As we walked to the office, we found a parking lot right next to the office building where we could park for free - for as long as we needed to.
The psychiatrist was the nicest guy. He was very normal! :) He asked pertinent and interesting questions about why we wanted to adopt - and why from Haiti. He found out all the crap I wasn't excited to share at all and was very empathetic and supportive. We spent about an hour with him.
He had asked how we wanted to pay when we first went in and we had said we wanted to just pay outright - that there was no medical need for the evaluation and that our insurance really had no need to pay for the evaluation because we were asking for the evaluation for solely personal purposes.
He finished the evaluation and completed the letter right in front of us.
When we went to leave we stopped at the desk to pay and he walked passed us and said, "No. There's no charge. Just.....good luck." Husband's jaw dropped, as did mine. We just stood there looking at him - in disbelief. We argued with him and offered to pay, again. We took up his time and valued that and wanted him to know. He wouldn't accept.
We got in the car, stunned. This man had just saved us hundreds of dollars.
Here's another one.
A couple of weeks before that we needed to get police clearances from our county. When I called, I spoke to a woman who took down all the information we needed for our letters. I asked her when she thought she might be finished with the letters, she said, "a couple of hours?" I called the woman who has offered to notarize all our documents to see if she could meet me there and she said, "How about 1:00?" Seriously? From the time I called until the time it was finished was a mere 4 hours. While Little Miss was in school.
It seems like within the last week, all the things we have been waiting on were finally getting to us. And all at the same time. It felt like things were coming together.
And then our news today.
I'm not sure what to think. If you think of us, please keep those prayers coming and we'll keep you posted.
Love,
Karyn
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