We have been in the fray this week, for sure. I don't know what is going on in the mind of Little Guy, but it has been rough. Biting, spitting, scratching, pulling hair, kicking, hitting..... the whole gammit. And if one attack doesn't effect whoever he is angry with, he looks for another one. I can't possibly fathom the pain or fear he is experiencing. It is scary just to watch.
I was not expecting this.
A friend of mine read about a million books before her children came home from Haiti. I think I read 2, one of which was a book on Haiti's history. I'm the kind of person that worries about things needlessly, so I didn't read much because I didn't want to invite troubles to worry about. I thought it would be better to wait and see how things went and then do research specific to the problems we were facing.
And I'm at the point where I need to be doing that research, but now, when Little Guy goes to bed, my heart and mind are so worn that I don't want to touch another adoption related topic. I want to sleep, instead.
I am doing very poorly at juggling life. I miss our biological kids dearly. Because of an hour long temper today, my littlest ones had to get their own lunch, which isn't a really big deal. Independence is a good thing. But, I knew what I was missing with them. When Husband isn't home at night, they turn their own lights off and I check on them after Little Guy is finally asleep. DFC (work) is suffering greatly. I miss "normal".
I thought that once we started going places with Little Guy, after cocooning, I wouldn't feel so lonely. How is it possible that I feel lonelier, still? Somehow, even though I didn't imagine it would, it is getting tougher.
People see how cute he is. (He is cute!) And they know we waited forever. And they ask us how happy we are. I wonder if the zombie like expression I send back makes them wonder.
Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking almost 3 years ago when we decided to embark upon the process of adoption. Life is so very different than it was then. And I wonder if life would be that much worse for him if he was still at the orphanage, where he was with what was familiar, at least, without us.
And I think of those who say that we wanted this and he needs this. Well, we wanted to obey God and we felt like adoption is where God was calling us. We worked so hard to obey Him, through the unknown, waiting and corruption. And we were referred to our Little Guy, so we kept taking one step at a time. And now we are working hard to obey again, through the unknown, waiting and effects of corruption and institutionalized care.
I don't think it is possible for me to be more full of fear than he may be. More out of my comfort zone. More stretched. Trying to put myself in his shoes feels overwhelming to me, to try to meet his needs, when I haven't the faintest idea how it would be to experience the kind of pain and suffering he has seen the first 3 years of his life, the last 2 months of his life. He has to feel like he is in some kind of twilight zone. I'd fight that, too.
I really hope that this gets better for him, for us. If it wasn't for this blog post, (we're stage 2, if you couldn't guess) that explains where we are, almost to a T, I think I would feel hopeless all together. And if it wasn't for concrete proof, like this....
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| Last picture we received from the orphanage |
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| Little Guy on Friday - 2 months home |
I'd feel very hopeless that this was good for any of us. It gives me some hope.
Why am I writing this and bumming you all out? :)
For the same reason I wrote the last post. I know I am not alone in these feelings. I know there are other adoptive or foster parents out there who are weary from the toll the daily rollercoaster of this process takes. It is so frightening to tell people, in real life, what things are really like. It feels impossible to explain. And none of the people I interact with in our small part of the world have adopted, which means it is crazy hard to explain. And it is scary to even try because you wonder what they are thinking about your commitment level or the kind of person you are, or worse, wonder about Little Guy.
But, out there somewhere, I think there are others who feel this way, who long for hope and to know they aren't alone.
Please keep praying for all of us - or other adoptive/foster families. We need them.
