Oh, So Dimly

Source

Prayer is hard for me lately.

Why ask a God I'm unsure of for things that I want when I don't know how He'll answer.  Perhaps He'll say no, or worse, seemingly take away that which I want, thereby clouding my view of Him as a loving, compassionate God even more.  I'm not talking about houses and cars.  I'm talking about something as "simple" as understanding His will.

Why ask an ever present, all holy God about things that I can't begin to understand or fathom.

God is confusing to me.  I don't feel at all certain about how He feels about me because my experience of His love for me has always been contingent on my experience of His response, or lack thereof, to my prayers, instead of what the Bible says - what He says - is true.

I don't usually take comfort in the cloudy view I have of God.  It's faded, distant and inaccurate.

And that's how I see Him in prayer.

The God I "see" is not ever going to be an accurate representation of what He's doing or who He is in my life.

I see orphans in Haiti and I wonder how God can watch them be abandoned and suffer.  I see trafficking happen to 14 year old girls and I cringe at the thought that God isn't obviously stepping in.  I see parents leaving behind children much too early, illness ravage children's bodies, parents lose children before they even got to know who they were.

And God becomes cloudier still.

But there is some comfort in knowing that I'm seeing things through a cloudy perspective.  I know I am not seeing Him clearly and the perceptions I have of Him are not accurate either.  They are at least as cloudy.

So like loving someone despite the feelings that do or don't exist, simply because you're committed to them, even if I don't feel safe trusting in Him today, I decide to do it anyway.

Because someday it will be clear.  It will be as clear has He sees me even now.  He sees me oh so clearly.  He knows my heart.  He knows what I need.  He knows what you need.  He SEES us.  And He's got us in His hands.

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known."  1 Corinthians 13:12

An Honest Post

When we first started the dossier process a friend of mine told me to be ready for surprises.

What?  The dossier part is supposed to be very straight forward and simple.  You have to wait on things, but we had a beautiful list to check off as things happened.

I kept myself organized with a binder and notecard system, checking things off and arranging note cards based on what had happened and needed to happen.

Thing that needed to happen - date applied for that thing - when it was mailed, notarized and complete.  Straight forward right?

Yep.

Until we had our water checked and had to shock our well.  What??

And until our clearances were lost between issue and notarization.

And when our fingerprints were lost in the mail.

And when I drove the wrong thing 10 hours to be certified, just to have to go back the following week to do it again.

Surprises.

But, a surprise I didn't expect was the spiritual attack we would experience through the process.

Every time something significant was to happen with our dossier something would come up in our home to throw a major wrench in things.  That was very unexpected.

Every little thing that has ever been an issue in the last 11 years of our marriage has reared its ugly head in the last few months.  That has been the hardest part.  Just when Husband and I should be working together it felt like we were being torn apart.  That was very unexpected.

When you look at adoption timelines, people kind of breeze past the dossier part.  That could be completely legitimate.  I've heard pretty much all bad things about the next part of this process - the endless waiting.  But this has been challenging in its own right.

I didn't expect to relive my past, but autobiographies and home studies will do that to you - and put it on paper.  As much as I've/we've done to work through all the things that have needed worked on, when it comes up again, it's still difficult to experience and it almost feels like you're going through those parts of life again that you wish you could forget. 

I'm grateful though.  Grateful that its out of our hands at the time being.  I know my desire for control is only going to want to have it back in my hands in the next few months, but for now I'm thankful to be able to think about ANYTHING other than the dossier and what I need to be doing with it.  I'm grateful for that sense of relief.

Confusing Prayers

Our part is done!!!!  (We hope! :))

Our completed dossier has reached our agency and hopefully our application has reached immigration for our government.

We will learn in the next 9-11 business days if our dossier is indeed complete and right.  I sure hope it is!

What's next?

We wait for our referral, or the match of our child with us.  At some point we will receive a file of a child in one of the orphanages our agency works with and we'll be able to review it and make a decision.

It's been 3 months since we started the process and a little boy 2 and under has yet to reach either of the orpahanges.

What is confusing is what to do about that.

How do you pray for a little boy to arrive to an orphanage to be adopted out of his home country?

I can't do it.

Instead I've been praying for the right referral at the right time.  That if there is a child who NEEDS to be adopted out, that he will find his way to one of the orphanages somehow.

Thank you for joining us in prayer right now!  We'll keep you posted as to how things are going on our side as well as how things are looking in Haiti as more information becomes available.

Love,
Karyn