On My Heart

I read somewhere that if your heart is aching during a particular time prior to receiving your referral, you should pay attention and pray even more.

A friend asked me last week how I was feeling about our adoption process.  I told her I felt like I was "playing adoption" because it just didn't feel like it was real or ever going to happen.  I don't know what happened, but just a couple of days later, our little boy started being heavy on my heart.  I'm thinking of him a lot.

I read a story about how a woman was just aching one particular week as they were waiting for their referral.  Months later they found out that was the very week their future child was taken into the orphanage.

I don't know if there is anything specific happening in our child's life right now, but I'm going to pray harder this week.  This could be nothing, but it could be something.  We'll see.

In other news, we're still moving forward.  We have our first home study visit scheduled!!  And Justin's birth certificate finally arrived!  We think that within a couple of weeks we'll have our part completely done and will just need to wait on the home study to be finished, which will be a huge mile marker for us.  So, we're working and praying.

Thank you, friends, for praying with us.

Love,
Karyn

Where Did Jesus' Money Go?

This post has been a long time in coming.

Jesus had a fund that was up to almost $250 from little things I was cutting out of my regular spending.  And now it's down to close to $6.50.  I'm sure you're wondering if I'm embezzling from Jesus.

Not so, my friends.  Jesus had His first disbursements!

My heart just aches for children with no parents, and for the tremendous cost required to adopt.  I truly believe that Jesus can step in and make it happen for people starting out with no savings to adopt and ending with their entire adoption fully funded.  Through DFC, I've been privileged to meet many people who that is a reality for.  But, I also believe Jesus works through us and He's not going to come down here and start putting money in people's bank accounts to fund their adoptions.  He's going to ask you and me to do it. 

It bothered me that the Jesus fund was accumulating and not going anywhere but my bank account, so I started to pray about where it should go.  And then I learned about this family adopting from Haiti.  I sat at my computer and CRIED as I watched the beautiful video done by their daughter.  And, there was my first answer to the Jesus fund.  Another Haiti family did the same thing to me, so the Jesus fund shrunk a little more.  And then I learned about Second Mile Ministries and they got all the rest. 

I think all of my passions are rolled up into one through this organization.  Second Mile Haiti works in Haiti (can you believe it???).  Here's their mission.....

"Our mission is to provide for the physical needs of sick and malnourished children while empowering their mothers through health education and small business opportunities."

I am ALL over that, baby!  Dignified livelihood.  Children staying with their parents.  Small business opportunities.  Sustainable medical care.  Helping children.  HAITI!!  Yep!  

I can't tell you how sick it makes me to think of a parent relinquishing their children because they can not support them.  Just makes me sick.  As a future adopting parent, I have a responsibility to do something about that and Second Mile Haiti just seemed like the perfect fit.

So, there's my accountability for the day.  :)  So much better than any muffin I'd have eaten at Tim Horton's.  Or donut, or panini, or XL hot tea with sugar........

Prayers for Our Child

When we first started considering adoption, I thought of it in happy terms.

"There is a baby who needs a family.  We want a baby."  Happy.

But there's another side of this that I hadn't considered until I started reading 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Parents Knew.

The side of grief.

The child that we will adopt has been abandoned.  Abandoned through death or poverty.  He isn't about to go to an orphanage or in an orphanage right now for happy reasons.  He is there because he has been given up because his parents couldn't afford to feed him or his parents have died.  His parents could be doing the most loving and most brave thing in the world for him by placing him in an orphanage to be adopted to the United States, but it won't be happy or easy.

If my husband and I passed away right now, our children would technically be abandoned.  But, we already know that they would go to a couple we love dearly who would take such good care of and love them.

But it wouldn't be happy for a while.

So, if you're praying for this child, as we are, please pray with us that he will know our Savior's love, when he is taken to the orphanage and as he is waiting for us, and that he will be able to embrace our love when the time comes.

A Mother's Love

For almost 2 weeks I've been watching "Mamma Bird" (not pictured) take care of her egg.

Just a couple of weeks ago I started wondering what in the world our cat was so curious about that she had to be staring out my window at promptly 7am every morning.  So, one morning I looked out and there was a nest in the gutter right outside my window.

How long at that been there?  Was there anything in it?

Just two days later Husband told me that there was a blue egg sitting softly inside the perfectly manicured nest.

Tucked in, under the roof above, the nest fit perfectly in the little space allotted by the gutter.  Something without opposable thumbs or digits of any kind, build the nest out of nothing more than twigs.  Amazing.

The next night I saw her for the first time - Mamma Bird.  I checked on her every morning when I woke up and every night when I went to bed.  And every time I checked she was there.  If she wasn't there, she was gone no more than a couple of minutes and she didn't go very far.  One morning I was able to take the snapshot of the nest without her being around, but I only had that opportunity one time in all the times I checked.

She'd get up to eat and stretch her legs a little and then she'd stand on the roof, look at the nest and hop down and settle in for a little more incubating.

The prepared nest, just under another roof to keep to hidden from predators, the brief moments she stole away only for self sustenance and tolerance of the elements around her no matter what - 30 degrees, 80 degrees, pouring down rain and thunderstorms, sunshine, all revealed a level of self sacrifice that could only be given by the Creator Himself.

I know I'm putting human emotion on all of this.  It frustrates Husband when I do that because you definitely can't hunt or support hunting very much when you're on the side of the creature.  But, I'm a female and a sensitive one at that, and I watched all the Disney movies just like you did that put human emotions on animals all the time.  I found myself remembering things that have happened in my children's lives so far that made me feel like I could relate to her.  Nursing for what felt like the millionth time that day, not wanting to give up a night with friends because of needing to be home with a child, but doing it anyway, being willing to take on anything for my children.  It made reflect on all those things, and more.

I told Mr. Man when we checked on her together one day,  "That's how much I love you.  I'd sit through anything to protect you and be there for you no matter what - just like that bird."  It's been a beautiful reminder of the self sacrifice a mother has for her child.

I'm so grateful for the instinct God put in that bird - a BIRD - and for the love and nurturing He has instilled in so many women around me.  It is a beautiful.  I'm grateful that His compassionate, nurturing and protective nature has been placed in moms and that He feels those things toward us, His children, and so much more faithfully.

For all you moms (and to-be moms) out there, thank you for the way you protect and love your children - facing the elements for them.  Whether it be through pregnancy and delivery or paperwork, referrals, waiting and travel, it is a beautiful thing.  You are a beautiful reflection of Him.

It's The Little Things

Mr. Man writes in his questionnaire, "What I like about my family is that they love me."

When Little Miss takes her dance classes, she ALWAYS looks for me in the little windows as she dances past.

Girly Girl drew a picture and in the blank beside "soft things", she put "My Mom". 

This is what I want our little boy we haven't even met yet to experience.  To know he's in a safe place, loved, protected and knowing that someone is always watching out for him.

We hope to learn more about where we stand in terms of adopting from Haiti tomorrow.  I'm ready.

Where Did My Strength Go?

You would think that after going through something really tough, that the resulting strength would carry you on to the next level.

I wish that was the case for me.

We found out last week Haiti is now not accepting new dossiers to until July 20.  That changed from June 1 just a week ago.  What's it going to be next week?

On our end, almost everything is done for our home study.  We've requested nearly every clearance known to man.  We've relived our past in the forms of autobiographies, statements and references.  I even had the experience of calling the first place I rented an apartment looking for one of my previous addresses.  I'm good with that.

But now we wait for other people to do their jobs.  For our state capital to say we're not hardened criminals.  For our home study agency to schedule our first visit.  For IBESR to decide when and if they will accept new dossiers.

And I'm back to being scared again (although I'm not sure it exactly stopped). You know the saying, "That which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"?  Where did my strength go?

I think there is some kind of tolerance that comes with pain.  When you're going through something really tough the little things aren't nearly as prominent as they once were in life.  But, after each painful space of life, I've created my own "painproof" layer, a protective shield of sorts - trying to keep the painful out.  That shield drastically reduces my tolerance to pain.

It is becoming more and more evident in my life that the painful needs to come back in and adoption is letting that pain and fear come in full force.

I would not have understood that at all prior to January.

One of my biggest concerns with adoption was that I would not feel like I was our adopted child's mother.  I couldn't imagine how that feeling would come about in the same way or strength as it did with the children I gave birth to.  But an experience in January changed that.  Now this is a journey to our child.  Even though he'll look nothing like me - not the same color of skin, not the same personality, not the same hair.  Nothing will resemble me or Husband.  Yet, this boy will be mine all the same.  And so now every step in this process is personal and vulnerable for me.  Just like each ultrasound and doctor's visit was with the children I gave birth to.  We're in our first trimester.  Doing tests and waiting for something more concrete - kicks, growth, something.

It is becoming clearer with each passing day that I destroyed the strength that may have resulted from any of my past experiences.  I don't have it.  But there is One who does.  And I'm going to have to lean on Him for each step.

This is a personal, vulnerable journey and He is going to have to be my Sustainer.  I'm going to have to trust that HE is true, His promises are true and He can be trusted.  I have a lot of Bible reading to do, friends.





No Matter What Lyrics
I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You
 No matter what (no matter, no matter what, no matter)
No matter what (no matter, no matter what – no matter, no matter what)

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it, without Your help
I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons, for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

Anything I don’t have, You can give it to me
But it’s OK if You don’t
I’m not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own

And no matter what, I still love You
And I’m gonna need You
No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You
No matter what (no matter)
No matter what (no matter, no matter what)
No matter - no matter what (No matter - no matter what)
No matter - no matter what (No matter - no matter what)
No matter - no matter what