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Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Hole of Trauma - and How the Intensive Counseling Went

Our intensive counseling has been over for 2 months now.  Oh, it feels like so long ago.  We've had several people ask us how it went and up until now, my very intelligent, articulate response has been, "Uhhhh....  It was intense."  Nice.

The holidays are often rough for kiddos and families with RAD.  The change in routine, increase in company, foods, noise, gifts, etc. all leave our adoptive kiddos with a sense of feeling out of control, powerless and scared of what is changing.  And if they are older, the gathering of family reminds them of their loss, the family they aren't with.

The holidays were challenging for us.  As I took Little Guy to school the other morning, I was praying and asking God how to keep processing this, how to simply deal.  I share with you the picture he gave me.

*And just as a disclaimer, this picture is of the effect of trauma in our lives, not life in general.  Life is full and beautiful in many ways including health, safety, some of the most amazing and faithful friends and a GREAT GOD who is with us, both in and out of the hole.

Trauma is a hole.  A hole dug and furnished by significant hurt.  Long ago, the bottom of the hole was dark, lined with loose dirt and gravel.

With each hurt, each piece of trauma, the hole was dug deeper.  In separate corners the hurters dug and the hole grew deeper still.

At times, I tried to climb out, but I could not resist the weight of the pull of the hurt or the gravity of the situation.  

I wanted to fight my way out of that place.

At the top of the hole there was a light.  And, the hole was lined with one singular rope.  It reached the whole way to the top of the hole and went down further than the hole had even been dug - the dirt falling off it, yet still having an effect of being colored by the dirt.  It was dirty, as was I.

As time went on, the time came where I finally grew strong enough to start climbing out of that hole.  How liberating it felt to even start to climb!!  It felt like I was climbing so quickly.

Yet, at times, I was pulled back.  At times, I would climb and the dirt would be so loose and my footing so insecure that I would fall almost the entire way back to the bottom. 

As I climbed, I found notches, left along the way by helpers and blessings from my past and present that would help me climb my way out when it was time.

And the rope stayed.  Constant.  I didn’t know when I started out that it was Jesus.  That the consistent, constant thing that was dirty alongside me, was with me, with my hurts all the way down to the bottom was Him.  Sometimes the rope was hard to see.  Sometimes it seemed to disappear into the wall.  Sometimes I pushed it out of the way, either on purpose or accidentally and when I fell back again it was harder for me to find.
And sometimes, the fall back revealed the rope even clearer.
There were places in the hole that were easy to climb, but not very many.  There were places where the light at the top seemed to shine brighter and it seemed even reachable and sometimes when I could barely see it and wondered if it was still there at all.

There were places in the wall that seemed like they were packed so tightly that they’d be impossible to scale, but those were the places where the notches, left by others, became so clear.  And then there were places where I didn’t realize the dirt was so loose and didn’t see the fall of regression coming.

I don’t think I’m anywhere near the top of the hole.  For me, I think that place, the place of total healing, will be heaven.

Today I am struggling with the fact that I’m so deep in the hole.  That I’ve put on self protection that sometimes defeats the purpose of even climbing out.  That is where I am with Little Guy and relationships right now.  My self protection is keeping me from doing what I should be doing with him and I feel like he and my loneliness are pushing me down the hole, even making me look down to the bottom, all over again, so that the hurt is all I can see.  I’m struggling that these things - life, my own sin - make me fall further into the hole.

But, I’m trying to find compassion for myself and NOT LET GO.  To tell myself it is good to admit there is a hole, that the hole is messy and unpredictable and sometimes I will fall further back.  The important thing is to keep looking for the rope and to know that it is always there and that there will be notches ahead that I can’t see and one day I will get to the top, no matter what.

As I have thought on this more, through the week, I have realized that this past year, the intensive and a few other times, were times God was asking me to sit it out.  To stop climbing for a bit and just rest.  Just cry.  As I look down at the tears falling from my face, falling on to my dirty hands, I realize there are tears beyond my own.  Tears that are cleansing me.  His tears.  Times when God has been powerfully with me, crying alongside me and washing the dirt away.  The intensive was one of those times, both for me and for Little Guy.

The intensive counseling shined the light into Little Guy's hole, my hole and the hole of our family, in greater ways than we had yet seen.  Oh, there were places that were so dark!  And yet, the rope became clearer still, as did the notches, our loved ones and supporters.  It was a tremendous time of growth and gaining of wisdom and even hope.

We will keep sharing as God reveals.  We are grateful for each and every notch and I doubt many of you even know you're leaving them.

Much love to you.
Karyn