Yesterday, Little Guy was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder
(RAD). This is a diagnosis in which the child will seem fine, charming
even, to outsiders, but in the home, it is very different. There is a
lack of conscience, an inability to attach to the family who is trying
to attach to him because of the MANY times he has been abandoned in life
in his 3 short years. So, he basically has learned that he needs to be
protective of himself, times a million, to survive. And who he needs
to protect himself from is us. Instead of attaching, he pushes and
resists. To do that, he spits, yells, hits, kicks and tries to hurt us.
When we met with the counselor yesterday, I told her this was my fault.
I was having a hard time attaching to him. I was resisting him. She
looked at me, in grace, and told me that it wasn't my fault. Hiss
diagnosis was the fault of all of those who had abandoned him before
us. That we had made progress with him. That we were doing a good job.
She also told me that he is triggering my own trauma and abuse from my
past and causing additional trauma to me at this point, with his
actions.
With all of that, she encouraged me to go to a counselor
to learn how to address how he is triggering me, that Little Guy and I should
continue to go to counseling together on an outpatient basis and that Little Guy, Husband and I should do 2 weeks of intensive family therapy - 3 hour
days, for 2 straight weeks (with a 2 day break in between the 12 days).
When we heard all of that, when it began to sink in just how
long this road might be - she said he may need help his whole life - and
we were already feeling so alone (me, in particular), I felt so
desperate. I don't think I can do this without support. I know I have
Christ. But, I need people, too. And, it just keeps reminding me of
how disconnected we all are, despite all of this "connection media". I
just don't think we are alone in how we feel.
I have forgotten
when I shouldn't have. I have not paid much attention to things that
were crazy hard because I had no clue how crazy hard it was. This information is a cry out to
you, our supporters and friends, and a cry for those who are in all of
our lives who feel alone in their waters, too.
Please know that
sharing all of this with you is very difficult and vulnerable for me.
Thank you for loving us, relating to us. I'm so grateful.
