Mysophonia

I feel a huge sense of shame and guilt in writing this post because I feel like I KNOW what you are going to think.

I deal with a sound sensitivity issue called mysophonia.  For those of you who don't know what it is, probably basically everyone, it is basically a hatred of sound.  It is a genetic thing and is a hatred of particular sounds, mostly repetitive and uncontrollable - clicking pens, people chewing with their mouths open, etc.  All those little things that people find annoying create a sense of panic in me at times.  It manifests itself in a way so that it becomes the center of attention of life and can drive the person it effects into solitude and isolation in order to avoid certain sounds.

The first home we lived in was across from a gun club.  Husband told me I'd get used to the noise.  Hahaha.  I sought counseling to be able to live in that house, after a time.  Most counselors have no idea what mysophonia is.  Most of them told me to wear earplugs, which is the WAY WRONG answer.  I finally talked to an audiologist in Ithaca, NY and she understood what I was going through, tested my hearing, etc.  Turns out I have hearing better than a kid.  I could hear EVERYTHING she tested on me.  Her equipment couldn't go any further down to see how well I can really hear.  While that is awesome, it doesn't help with this issue.  :)

When we came to look at the house we currently live in, I knew there was a highway .25 miles away.  I could hear it and it didn't bother me.  When I was growing up, I'd stay with my great grandmother from time to time and hearing the cars go past her house was a great comfort to me.  I said it wouldn't bother me.  Ummm.  I was wrong.  I made it through the first year without it bothering me and then one day, the highway was crazy loud and the switch flipped and I could no longer tolerate hearing it.  It is the strangest thing.  I KNOW it can't hurt me.  I KNOW it is only a sound.  But those sounds trigger a fight or flight response in me.  That is really what it feels like.  You know when someone comes around the corner and scares the heck out of you?  It's like feeling that way all the time.

At first, I did all kinds of things to avoid the sound, including setting up fans all over the place, but after seeing the audiologist, I had to turn off all the fans and try to deal.  It has gotten MUCH better.  If I'm having a rough day, for any reason, it is usually harder to deal with again, but I can be in the house and it's okay.  Going outside is a completely different animal, though.

Because of the way this makes me feel, and the reaction I have to that feeling, I have not gone outside to sit on the porch, play with the kids, or garden for 3 years.  There have been times, intermittently when I have, and it was tough.

Our house is 3200 square feet with a 1600 square foot basement.  And we have stuff everywhere!!  Since starting the business I have not been able to keep up with it.  It is completely overwhelming to me, even with Justin and the kids helping.  It's just SO BIG.

The summer after we bought this house I asked many times what in the world we had been thinking.  At one point, we had a little house in town that was 1800 square feet and it was wonderful!  I kept up with it - easily - and we spent so much time together as a family because we didn't have to maintain anything!!  It takes me 5 hours to mow our lawn now, and that's just one aspect of having this particular house.

Now, don't get me wrong, there are so many things I LOVE about this house!  We have room for everyone and their mother to come and hang out with us, if they want to.  We have granite countertops, which are A.MAZ.ING.  We have Jack and Jill bathrooms for the kids.  A gynormous master suite.  And who wouldn't want a geothermal system?!

But, I want to have a life and memories, not a house.

Here comes the part that I feel quilty about.

Last summer when I was in Haiti, I was miserable.  It was loud ALL.THE.TIME.  Little Guy cried the entire time, it felt like.  It was 135 degrees.  Miserable.  And I still didn't want to come home.  I knew that when I came home, I'd just be back to dealing with the sound again (I know it sounds crazy.).  I didn't think I could handle feeling trapped again.

So, Husband and I started keeping our eyes open for another house.  We decided if something came up, that we loved, we would see if we could buy it.  But, it needed to be the right house.  The market is really low and has been while we've been looking again.  We did look at several houses, but none of them felt right, so we've stayed put.

About a month ago, a house came on the market - 3 bedrooms, very split up, postage stamp kitchen, cathedral ceilings, fireplace, 30 acres with a beautiful ravine and creek.  It was built in the 70s, so it's dated, but very doable for the business and our family.  There were just so many things about this house that we thought we would all love.  On Saturday we made an offer.  I was handling the highway better simply because I felt like I was going to have a way out.  It's strange because if I went to your house and you had the highway, I doubt I would care.  Because I can leave.  I have "control".  Here, I can't leave, which gives way to the fight or flight and feeling trapped emotions.

Our offer was very fair, but it was quick.  We asked to close in 45 days so we could move before our little guy came home.  I don't want to move after he comes home because he is going to need the strongest sense of safety and stability we can give him.  Moving does not lend itself to stability and calmness.  :)

They rejected our offer completely.  Well, they said they'd drop the price $2000.  And they'd close July 15 instead of June 9.  Oh, and they don't want the sale to be contingent on the house appraising.

It doesn't get more rejecting that that other than a flat "no".

So, yesterday put me back into a tizzy.  I had begun to hope that maybe God didn't want me to feel trapped and it was okay to move, okay to look forward to something different.  I have felt guilty even feeling that way because I don't deserve anything!  My word, what I have compared to most people, is amazing!  I'm not looking for more or better stuff - just peace.  But, I still feel guilty asking.

After all this adoption stuff, finally giving it over to Him and trusting Him in it, you'd think I could handle this.  Nope.  It sounds so stupid to write it out, but it is honest.

Here is why I'm telling you ALL this.  I would love your prayers as it comes to this housing situation.  I need them.  I may be more worried about this than I am about the adoption at this point.  Yep.  I definitely am.

I kept reminding myself all day yesterday that feelings are feelings!  They are temporary and they change on a dime, sometimes.  It was okay to be disappointed and ask God questions (I hope).  As I was going to the grocery store, I thought of the verse that talks about His mercies being new every morning.  And, I began to look forward to this morning, knowing that He will still be there, no matter what I am struggling with, what I am asking about, what I don't get at all.  Man, I am so thankful He is that kind of God.