Radical Love

Today has been a heart breaking day for me. Nothing bad has happened to my family. Nothing bad has happened to me, but I'm grieving, just the same.

You see, my husband and I have been considering and praying over adoption for several months. Just two weeks ago my husband told me he was ready to move forward in adopting. I started narrowing down the countries we were eligible to adopt from and we both felt like we had to wait. He had a mission trip scheduled and we felt like we specifically needed to wait for that trip to happen before we made a decision. So we stopped working and started praying and fasting.

His trip was last week.

Now, you need to understand my husband. He is a methodical, cautious and very "thinking" kind of person. But he called me on Wednesday during his trip to tell me he had met a little boy.

Moses.

Moses is 8 months old and he needs a home. But its complicated because he is a refugee living in a different country from when he was birthed.

"I want to adopt him."

I couldn't believe this was coming from MY husband. He didn't need to think. He didn't need to wonder. He had met the reality of the orphan crisis and he had fallen in love.

He sent me pictures and it took me less than 2 seconds to fall in love with this sweet little boy.

It seemed so simple. He is an orphan. He needs a family. We have that!

But, we learned today that we can not adopt him.

The particular countryis a Hague Convention country, which means you have to follow very specific rules in order to adopt. They allow no private adoptions. THEY match you to a child. You are not allowed to arrange your own.

We are heart broken over this because we started, even in that short 1 week window, thinking of this child as our son.

We didn't tell anyone we were thinking of adopting because we wanted to know how we felt about all of it before we started hearing everyone else's opinion.

Well, now I know.

I KNOW I can love another child just as much as I love my own children. I know I can love a child that is a different color than I am. I know I don't care how much it costs. I know I don't care if I have to wait to accomplish it. I know I don't care what anyone thinks (unless they think I'm an unfit parent - I do care about that).

I know my heart has broken for the orphan, the defenseless, the child with no home.

And I know I want to adopt.

But there is something else in this that is taking me a little off guard.

People keep saying, "You're learning a lot about the love of the Father through this."

What are they talking about, I've wondered?

I feel like God is dangling carrots in front of me, giving me desires and seeming opportunity and then yanking the carrot away while laughing.

My friend said to me, "I can hear what Satan is whispering to you. It's NOT true."

Two sweet girls lost their mother in January. Just before she passed away I shared this song with one of the girls.

I listened to that same song tonight. If I could love this little boy so much in 4 days and would put my life on hold for him and long and ache for him, how much more does God love me?

I think that is what my friend was getting at.

Adoption is a hard, sad, messy thing. These children have experienced grief beyond what I will ever know. Abandoned, relinquished, forgotten, alone. Each child who has been orphaned will experience a level of hurt that will not heal on this side of heaven, but I want nothing more than to walk beside a child who is experiencing that hurt. I want to be their mother.

I'm scared.

I don't know what is in store for us now. We are hurting. My husband is hurting. I don't know if he will want to continue in this process or not now. We have to wait some more to find out, I think.

I'm not looking forward to that. But, I'm looking forward to the growth I hope to experience in finding the truth of the love God has for me, which trumps the love I'll ever have for anyone.

All your pain
Will be made mine
All your troubles
The tears you cry

Give it up
All that binds
I will place it on my shoulders
And up this hill I’ll climb

Father, give me strength
I know there is no other way

I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
So I lay down my life for you

This is love
That had to bleed
To bring you mercy
To set you free

You are mine
I am yours
And I will wear your burdens
Just like this crown of thorns

I will take your place
I know there is no other way

I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you

Give me all your pride
Give me all your fears
Give me all your secrets
Give me all your tears

Give me all you doubt
Give me all your shame
Watch them wash away
Watch them wash away

Give me all your pride
Give me all your fears
Give me all your secrets
Give me all your tears

Give me all your doubt
Give me all your shame
Watch them wash away
In Jesus’ name

I lay down my life for you
This is the moment when all will be made new
I know that you don’t understand
But this is part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you

Though I know that you don’t understand
These scars are part of a greater plan
And I lay down my life for you

Arms stretched out
Upon this tree
To show true love
To set you free

Tim Horton Withdrawal

There is a dichotomy of feeling that I experience when I post here.

Because my Jesus fund keeps adding up.

I feel a combination of shame over the spending I didn't think twice about before as well as a sense of excitement that simply skipping a few things adds up so fast!

Lastest skips - Tim Hortons and a cake pop pan.

I used to drop Little Miss off at school and run to Tim Horton's. "Yes. I'll have an extra large tea with sugar and 2 fruit explosion muffins."

"That will be $4.36."

$4.36 no more.

Three times a week, at least, and we're looking at nearly $13 a week. That adds up fast.

The thing is, I'm finding my mentality is changing through this. The desire to go to Tim Horton's every time I drop her off is no longer there. Does that mean I stop counting it every week?

I'm not sure.

Either way its a good thing. It means that the Jesus fund is not something that is temporary, (although I have a feeling that the accrual of it will slow as this goes on). The Jesus fund is a heart change that I'm experiencing.

And I'm glad for that.

Any simple luxuries you've given up lately? Please share. Because at this moment, I'm longing for a fruit explosion muffin. :)

Adding Up the Jesus Fund - The First Installments

Last week I introduced you to my Jesus fund.

Here's how it's adding up so far....

After the new year, I decided I was going to have to start dieting. I had gained 10 pounds in a year and was growing out of my pants. And my kids were asking me if I had a baby in my belly, which was met with a prompt lecture on how you never say things like that to Mommy.

One of the ways I decided to go about my plan to lose weight was through walking on the treadmill.

But I am oh, so picky. The treadmill had to be in the corner of the room because it just felt too tacky to have a piece of exercise equipment in the middle of my living room. And I, of course, needed to be able to watch TV while exercising because that is the only way I could tolerate it. And I had to pull the treadmill way out to the middle of the living room to see the TV.

All kinds of problems here.

My solution?

I need a new entertainment stand - one that is flat, with no doors covering the TV, so I can just rotate the TV for my convenience.

I drove to very fashionable and very trendy HQ and prided myself in picking out an inexpensive, yet attractive, flat entertainment stand. We got it all loaded up in the car, smashed right up against Little Miss and drove home - conviction pouring down all the way.

I was purchasing this entertainment table for my own convenience. I didn't need it. I could inconvenience myself by pulling out the treadmill if I so desired. And it cost $183.37. $183.37 that I really didn't think about, and easily justified spending. Enter shame.

So, it never came out of the box. It went right back to HQ and the refunded money went straight into the Jesus Fund.

Installment #1? Check!

I mentioned I've been reading Jen Hatmaker's book, 7 - a project against excess. She has partnered with HELP in the efforts to promote Garage Sale for Orphans as a way to get rid of all the extra stuff we all have laying around and help end human trafficking in Haiti. (Maybe something I would like???.....).

Now, I live in the middle of no where. The summer after we moved into our home I held a garage sale. Saying that it bit would be an understatement. I vowed I wouldn't do it again.

So Amazon is my substitute.

I have a lot of books in my bedroom that I've read once and know I'm not going to read again, so I started listing them on Amazon. Results so far? $6.75.

Installment #2.

It's a start, and a pretty good one, I think. For me, this is going to add up fast.

Do you have any creative ideas for how I can add to the Jesus Fund? Let's here 'em!

photo credit